It's So Much Pun !

w w w . B e a c h P u n s . c o m


~ A new pun is added daily Mon - Fri ~

 ~ Puns by A. J. Sartin  (The Energizer Punny)~

~ To submit a Reply, click HERE ~

"No Beach Bums . . . Just Beach Puns"

Advice From The OCEAN

Be Shore of Yourself

Come Out of Your Shell

Take Time to Coast

Avoid Pier Pressure

Sea Life's Beauty

Don't Get Tide Down

Make Waves!

I just heard that VA Doctors send patients to pool halls to find remarkable cuers.

A gardener who moved back to his home town rediscovered his roots.

They serve lunch at a local auto repair shop, but I wouldn't eat it. It is probably full of carbs.

I wanted to show my appreciation of the Military, so I renamed my street Buddy Poppy Drive.

Jack was worried he would get a parking ticket.  It was a case of mind over meter.

A dairy farmer in Hastings, FL strained his calf while milking his cow.

He drank so much at 16 years old that they called him a juvenile deliquid.

The lab tech liked to study infectious diseases.  It was in his blood.

Lazy sailors look forward to chore leave.

Old politicians never die, they just get devoted.

Army doctors are involved in big military operations.

Teaching a slinky new tricks is like spring training.

If you dated a coal miner's daughter, would you be carbon dated?

The Blonde put lipstick on her forehead to help her make up her mind.

Any golfer will tell you the gospel truth. Your next shot always depends on the lie. 

The fact that he was a bad golfer was a fore-gone conclusion.

A friend's wife told him that his golf addiction is driving a wedge between them.

Medical Alert: Golf has been linked to risk of strokes due to iron deficiencies.

If you crash into a Volkswagen Golf, does that make a hole in one?

Is there a best month of spring? There May be.

A friend of mine applied for a server position at a local restaurant. She is still waiting.

I tried to finish the leftovers, but ... foiled again.

The tallest building in St. Augustine is the main library on St. Carlos, because it's so many stories high!

Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing?  He was bacon in the heat.

The V.A. told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

What is a tree's least favorite month?  Sep-timber!

A fight occurred at a local Laundromat, where a washing machine beat the crap out of a diaper.

In jail, convicts use cell phones.

A local air conditioning contractor was noted for his efficiency because he kept all his ducts in a row.

A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast he can do.

Golf is a lot like taxes - you drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

Richard wrote his novel in the basement, because he wanted to write a best cellar.

Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars.

The shrimp boat crew had to work hard so that on Friday they would drew their net wages.

Sailing is like oil drilling because they're both crewed businesses.

Politics only serve to make the future moron-certain.

A museum is a thing of the past.

My favorite rapper is the Easter bunny, he's really in to hip hop.

The sign said, gasoline selling for one dollar a gallon. It was an April fuel's joke.

When a bird is attacked, is that a featheral offense.

I saw a magician on TV last night, and he was having trouble with his tricks.  As a matter of fact, he got so mad he pulled his hare out.

The warden gave the inmates acne medicine hoping it would keep them from breaking out.

At Wal-Mart, there is a growing body of obesity research.

The reason for the fog in St. Johns County is hazy but when it disappears it won't be mist.

A chicken coop only has two doors, because if it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.

After a few beers on the plane, Harvy was flying high into the wild brew yonder.

If a red ship and the blue ship collided, would the survivors be marooned?

Snakes don't drink coffee because it makes them viperactive.

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

I can't think of any kayak brands, canoe?

People who take a lot of selfies are just trying to save face.

When it comes to nourishment, a boa's best friend is his smother.

A Hastings, FL farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

What was the shy rock's wish?  To be a little boulder!

RIP boiling water.  You will be mist.

The Rodent Club finished drafting their constitution, but it has yet to be ratified.

Did you hear that the calendar thief got 12 months.  They say his days are numbered!

Old pirates retire and grow corn for a buck an ear.

One of the guys a Publix asked me, "Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?"

I told him, "Only thyme will tell."

Gidget hates speed bumps ... But she's slowly getting over it.

A beach yoga instructor was accused of lying, but actually she was just stretching the truth.

Yesterday I heard a joke about amnesia...but I forgot how it goes.

Despite pressure to clean up their act, most dirtbags live in a vacuum.

Eating oysters can help you increase your mussel tone.

I made a belt out of watches.  It was a waist of time.

I went to the zoo the other day. They only had one animal; a dog.  It was a Shih Tzu.

I've just started a band called "999 Megabytes".  We haven't done a gig yet.

When I started to go bald, friends tried not to laugh, but I looked hair-larious.

The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent.

When carrying your musical instrument over ice, if you don't C sharp, you will B flat.

Birds dont mind fowl weather in fact they usually find it just ducky.

The board game enthusiast was ecstatic, you could say he was in pair of dice.

I shouldn't have plugged my iPhone 6 Plus into the PC at the kitchen. It's now in the sync.

A cannonball is a party for artillerymen.

A ship's captain is a sails manager.

The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

For vacation, we decided not to go to Pisa, but we were leaning towards it.

The carpenter purchased his measuring stick at a yard sale last week.

Two loaves of bread wanted to get married, so they eloafed.

The rose gardener pedaled feverishly to the market last week to sell his flowers before they became a thorn in his side.

Those who watch too much football will wear out their end zone.

As I approached the Bridge Of Lions in rush hour last night, my radio played The Car Strangled Spanner.

Outdoor lights were put up at a golf courses, for people who like swinging nightclubs.

Some singers are so bad, they should sing tenor twelve miles away.

The best thing to carry with you when you start feeling tired is a knapsack.

The fish missed the call because he was stuck on the other line.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter. How dairy.

Doctors take pains to prescribe relief.

It was such an emotional wedding, that even the cake was in tiers.

If you know how the new lightbulb was invented, please enlighten me.

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

Coin counterfeiting is a bad mintin' racket.

Are puns for children or groan-ups?

During Flight School testing, a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed his test with flying colors.

A man put his name on the neck of his shirt so he would have collar ID.

A Jacksonville pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

The snake was mad at the jewel thief because he wanted his diamondback.

I drove around the Daytona Motor Speedway on my John Deere. I was on a track tour.

He, who survives embalming, truly has esprit de corpse.

A Jacksonville TV reporter was seen at an ice cream store getting the scoop.

A furniture truck turned over in front of me on I-95 and I stopped and picked up a couple lamps and a State Trooper said that was not a bright idea.

Ship captains understand their sons so well because they're able to fathom the depth of their buoys!

The satellite went into orbit on January 1st causing a new year’s revolution.

On New Years Eve, be sure to raise your left leg, that way you will start 2015 on the right foot.

Hurting a Bald Eagle is featheral offense.

You don't gain weight by the minutes at the dinner table - but the seconds.

Santa is a good race car driver because because he always has the pole position. 

If Santa rode a motorcycle, what kind would it be?  A Holly Davidson.

Won't all that soot make Santa sick?  No.  He's had his flue shot.

What do reindeer say before they tell a joke? This will sleigh you.

Christmas dinner is a place where you can really talk turkey.

Never ask a Podiatrist for conversions to metric - he or she only knows feet.

The riot at Wal-Mart was called a shopping maul.

Trophy shops often will give customers floss with their purchase to eliminate plaque problems.


Something to think about: In November, we start the month out stuffing ballots to elect some turkey, and we end the month stuffing a turkey to increase our ballast.

The Christmas Season is here, so let's just enjoy the time that's hours.

A dog breeder crossed a setter and a pointer at Christmas time and got a pointsetter.

Would a hooker that also provided a spaghetti dinner be called a pastatute?

Before he sold Christmas trees, he got himself spruced up.

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

She was the apple of his eye and he liked to sit down be cider.

Politics only serve to make the future moron-certain.

Two St. Augustine sky divers decided to hang out together.

The girl quit her job at the doughnut factory because she was fed up with the hole business.

I had a friend that collected police cars, ambulances and fire trucks. It was an estate of emergency when he died.

Never put all your begs in one ask-it.

A clothing store on Vilano Breach, owned by Benny, provides many Benny-fits.

On this day in history, Popcorn was invented by an Army Colonel.

I planned to look for my watch today, but it is Black Friday and I don't have the time.

A St. Johns County Deputy arrested a Turkey because he suspected it of fowl play.

He shot two Turkeys and then realized they were dead wingers.

He was able to listen to his favorite radio show in the morning because he had an AM radio.

Weed know if there was someone selling drugs in our neighborhood.

If you run through a screen door you'll strain yourself.

Rescue helicopter pilots have the most successful pick-up lines.

Aged attorneys retire because they're tired of the old writ race.

You tell male pancakes from female pancakes by the way they are stacked.

Benjamin Franklin flew a kite in a storm hoping no one would steal his thunder.

The Junior NCO had sore wrists. The doctor said it was corporal tunnel syndrome.

The general started bowling before his aide had entered his name on the score sheet. He had launched a pre-emptive strike.

A cannonball is a party for artillerymen.

A Hall of Fame recently opened to honor outstanding female soldiers. It was a WAC's Museum.

When the cigarette lighter salesman tried to win back his old flame he found that he had met his match.

I was going to tell you a joke about infinity, but it didn't have an ending!

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A postal worker was always stamping her feet whenever they would letter.

What's the best way to serve a stack of puncakes? Syruptitiously.

Cold weather mechanics have to jacket up.

The fastest, most efficient way to make Halloween costumes, is mask production.

Never put all your begs in one ask-it.

I once had insomnia so bad I was awake until it dawned on me.

Whenever I go near my bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

Remember pilots, a trick-or-treat route is a fright path.

Why do people eat pretzels since they are knot food?

I could master Braille, once I get a feel for it.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

In Flori-DUH, there is a lot of Manuel labor for every Juan.

At a local high school game, two referees went head to head because they had a score to settle.

When the drummer moved back in the neighborhood, there were many repercussions.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

The Irish should be rich because their capital is always Dublin.

Beach Yard Sale - I have some broken puppets for sale, no strings attached.

Deep cuts were made in the guillotine industry and heads rolled.

A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven C's.

Rules of thumb suck.

A Vilano Beach bartender was summoned to court with a subpoena colada.

Someone who makes bicycle wheels is a spokes person.

I bought a ton of staples and pushpins all for $3.99, plus tacks.

A frightened bird dog that runs from everything is known as the Golden Retreater.

Dance studios have waltz to waltz carpeting.

If your doctor is a quack, you have every right to duck him on the bill.

What do you call a musician who steals sheet music?  A clef-to maniac.

You know, I don't like tops of stairs.  They always bring me down.

A man at Office Max leaned on the printer cartridge because he wanted to tone up his abs.

A no-fly zone prohibits zippers.

Beach owners would like surfers to sign waivers containing riders.

The raisin wined about how he couldn't achieve grapeness.

There was a big paddle sale at West Marine on US-1.  It was quite an oar deal.

Does working for UPS make you a professional boxer?

A family of bears posing their family portrait, experienced a true Kodiak moment.

No one knew he had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

If I think I've seen an idiot before, is that a case of deja fool.

The bear on Jacksonville Beach yesterday, put on sunglasses because of his polarize.

Reply:  He was probably there because his polar eyescap had melted.

The queen's favorite chef was knighted Sir Loin.

Reply:  Wasn’t he from the township of Cloth? Sir Loin of Cloth?

The Florida nudist was acquitted of indecent exposure, because nobody could pin the wrap on her.

Sign at a place where you lose weight: 'Stop Look and Lessen'.

Old postal workers never die, they just visit the old stamping grounds.

My computer is so slow it hertz.

Do birds know where they're going, when they fly south for the winter, or do they just wing it every time?

Would a Mormon working for the Postal Service be a Letter Day Saint?

The Florida fruit farmer is berry competitive in his field.

Creative weather forecasters do a lot of brain storming.

The man put his name on the neck of his shirt so he would have collar ID.

They've came out with a GPS device for bird watchers that has tern by tern directions.

My friend bought a baby oinker….it was a pretty as a pigture.

Peeing in a swimming pool is not good, but in the ocean, urine luck.

If cats could read they would paws after each claws.

When the diva's vacuum cleaner broke, she refused to use a broom because it just wouldn't be Hoover.

My school had a door made of iron, which was why it was called the school of hard knocks.

It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

She took lots of crunchy foods to her WSOS radio interview, for the sound bites.

The student had such a big assignment, he had to burn his Kindle at both ends.

Mensa is a true test of mind.

Golfers hate cake because they might get a slice.

The star asked the sun why the moon was always up so late and the sun said that it was just a phase.

I wrote a novel about my wife’s small garden, but it didn't have much of a plot.

The movie about the hot dog, was an Oscar Wiener.

I've always pictured myself taking selfies.

Those who wear sleeveless shirts like to defend the right to bare arms.

The difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle is a tire.

If you give some bosses an inch they think they're a ruler.

The artist's favorite swimming technique was the brushstroke.

Someone who robs shoe stores is an arch criminal.

I've planted part of a riding whip. I'm hoping for a nice crop.

When a bee gets too hot here in Flori-DUH, it takes off it's yellow jacket!

Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.

Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.

The raisin wined about how he couldn't achieve grapeness.

It only rains money when there is change in the weather.

Trying to eat a clock would be very time consuming.

The man who invented the door knocker, got a No-bell prize.

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

When it rains chickens and ducks, it is called fowl weather.

When you cross a snake and a airplane, do you get a Boeing Constrictor?

The Junior NCO had sore wrists and the doctor said it was corporal tunnel syndrome.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

The tarantula found his partner online.  He spider on the web.

My dentist would simply not stop working on my teeth. He was abscessive compulsive.

The termite wanted to lose weight, so he started eating more lattice. 

His long speech about boat motor safety really out-bored me.

Reply:  If he was that boring, I guess you’ll need to transom new speakers.

Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made. It was the first flag poll.

Reply:  Did she call a gallup on the phone to ask her opinion?

A mosquito is the oldest known skin-diver.

Reply:  Yeah, and he sucks at it!

If you cross a card game with a hurricane is it called bridge over troubled water?

Reply:  The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.

At breakfast, the hacker downloaded cornflakes via his cereal port.

The home for rich squirrels is The Nutcracker Suite.

My wife is reading a book about mazes, she got lost in it.

Reply:  That is amazing.

The weather man said there won't be any rain for 3 months, but I drought it.

Reply:  Arid in the paper about that.

The rumor that only strained orange juice is healthy was a good example of pulp fiction.

A cannonball is a party for artillerymen.

Reply:  Not to be confused with a canon-ball which is for photographers.

A new computer shop has just opened up in St. Augustine.  It is located on Boot Drive.

Reply:  To get to it, a network of busses will get you to the closest port.

The Coast Guard held the boat thief at bay.

Reply:  Tell me moor.

My computer's mouse wouldn't work. Then it clicked.

A plumber's pipe dream was to tap all his resources to become multifauceted.

Reply:  Y ?

I was at a store yesterday that had a sale on pillows. They said they were filled with duck feathers and I couldn’t turn that down.

What is a bobblehead likeness of a reality TV personality, is designed for installation on the dashboard of your car? A Kim Car Dashian!

Reply:   And in the winter, it could be Dashian through the snow.

If you shoot someone in the eye you might not kill them, but you might give them Glock coma.

Reply:   How Savage!

I heard about the job opening at the dentist's office, by word of mouth.

Reply:   Who referred you - Oral Roberts?

A no-fly zone prohibits zippers.

Reply:   That should make the mister happy.

My friend used to work at a tire store, but felt like he was just spinning his wheels and decided to retire.

An avionics warning is a flier alarm.

The sea trout got caught by the fisherman.  Now he's in a boatload of trouble.

Reply:   He can join the cast.

The weatherman who forecasted snow in June was a bit of a flake.

Reply:   The hail you say!

I refuse to work with compost, it's degrading.

Reply:   I’m crushed!

On this date in 1949, calculators were first used and were so successful, that adding machines began to multiply.

Reply:   But they rapidly became a dividing factor among the math students and teachers.

People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots, they are just stereotyping.

I want a job with a trampoline manufacture, so I will have something to fall back on.

Reply:   A job like that has its ups and downs.

Do you call a pig in a rickshaw, Pulled Pork?

Reply:   Enroute to the maternity ward they’re bringing their baby back.

I wanted to see lots of animals at the zoo, but they only had one small dog.  It was a Shih-Tzu.

A small pirate ship is called a thug-boat.

Reply:   When they raid another ship, they clip her.

An embrace at a nudist colony is a bare hug.

Reply:   Canoodle play?

Our Alaskan Malamute, a descendant of the wolf, tried to sing, but she didn't know howl.

Reply:   When she learns, I’m sure she will put on a wail of a performance and she’ll have a bawl!

Purchasing tires made me aware of inflationary pressures.

Reply:   Yes, the higher prices do stem from this?

I was overruled at the measuring competition.

Reply:   You shouldn’t have tried to kill a meter.

Why is it that all oil executive use crude language?

Reply:   Because they aren't refined.

One night a banking tycoon fell overboard from his yacht.  He was saved because he could float a loan.

Reply:   What a stroke of good luck!

The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in.

When kissing flowers, tulips are better than one.

Reply:   If that is what you're doing, I'd keep it mum.

If you crash into a Volkswagen Golf, does that make a hole in one?

Outdoor lights were put up at a golf course - for people who liked swinging nightclubs.

A bunch of robins followed the priest wherever he went. Birds of a father flock together.

Golf is a lot like taxes - you drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

Reply:   And if you take the wrong approach, you could end up trapped.

A person who cannot read the sign that warns people from throwing garbage on the ground is illiterate.

Reply:   That person should probably resign.

After the carpet store burned down, only remnants remained.

Reply:   And they're all in a pile.

When the pharmacist found out her husband was having an affair it was a hard pill to swallow.

Reply:   That just proves he was no real mannitol.

A Vilano Beach chiropractor author, wrote a spinal column in the St. Augustine Record.

Reply:   I'm sure he gave it a new twist!

An heir is someone with a descent wage.

Reply:   And then, in comes the pun.

I've never enjoyed paperback books: their blend of wooden characters and watered-down plots makes them pulpy.

Reply:   Plus they're bound to end up in a bind.

The winter was difficult on the trees, but now that it is spring, they were re-leafed.

Reply:   That's good cuz if they are fruit trees, they cannot bear bare.

Marriage is hard but divorce usually goes off without a hitch.

Reply:   It's an unbridled experience!

When the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence, it resulted in udder destruction.

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

Reply:   It was a crumby place anyway.

I am a huge fan of Wind Farms.

I can’t recall the last time I did any running, but I’ve been jogging my memory.

Reply:   It's easier to just sign up with Sprint.

What did the Easter Bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.

Mathematicians are sum worshippers.

Reply:   That's because it's their sine.

Old carpenters never die, they just lumber around...getting board with their work.

Reply:   I think I ran into one the other day because I sawdust on his overalls.

In ancient times, seagoing vessels were much more fuel efficient. They got thousands of miles to the galleon.

Reply:   You're right. It seems these days, we dreadnought the economy of our vessels.

My dog has a lot of running potential, you just have to unleash it.

A motorcycle rider with bad teeth is the leader of the plaque.

If a guy accidentally leaves his fly down on a promising date, does that count as a Freudian zip?

Reply:   Not if he's a Boy Scout!

A soldier who stuffed himself with ice cream was a desserter.

Reply:   Geez - What a conehead!

For this tree pun, I had to go out on a limb, and branch out to some other sources.

Reply:   But did you eventually get to the root of it or did you just leaf through the results of your quest?

Good gardeners take care of their plants - weed 'em and reap.

Reply:   That's a good one - hoe hoe hoe

On a rating scale for sour fruit, would a lemon be sublime?

A friend used to have a fear of boats, but now that ship has sailed.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Reply:   Now please, let's not be knit picky!

When the first indoor tennis court was built, the builder made a good net profit.

Reply:   I guess that would make it an "Add In""?

I've always pictured myself taking selfies.

Reply:   I copy that sketchy portrayal you have so descriptively depicted.

I'd tell you a joke about a cow but I always butcher it.

Reply:   You may not hack it as a jokester but you cleave us rolling in the aisle.

If a dog swallows an engagement ring, is it then considered a diamond in the ruff?

Reply:   It is during the transition phase before it becomes a chocolate diamond.

Making a boat out of stone would be a hardship.

Reply:   Sometimes your crafty puns just keel me.

Do you know how winter coats are insulated?  They are down loaded.

Reply:   Now that is just plume crazy!

I asked my friend, how he took such good care of his saxophone?

He responded, with tenor, love and care.

Reply:  I think he woodwind a prize for that.

One of the first things you'll notice at the Beijing airport is a whole lot of Chinese checkers.

Reply:  I must say - - that one was part cheesy.

Florida Pythons go to great lengths to kill their prey.

Reply:  Yes they do tend to get quite wrapped up in their quest.

What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have? They have Tampa-proof caps.

Reply:  Yes, when I need one of my pills Apopka cap with a screwdriver.

Studying earthquakes rocks, but sometimes it is not always what it is cracked up to be.

Reply:  I shudder to think about a study of such magnitude.

It was SO hot on Veterans Island today, that a pig was heard saying it was bacon.

Reply:  Now you're bustin' my chops!

A dentist gets on everybody's nerves.

Reply:  That's because they put such a dentin your budget.

What keeps a dock floating above water?  Pier pressure.

Reply:  That's why it stays quay above the water.

The dermatologist was an avid gardener but he had a problem with moles.

Reply:  That zit! You've discovered the problem!

Because of a fallout of business, the owner of a local hair salon had to make cuts on his staff.

Reply:  Don't you think such a dramatic reaction was a bit snippy?

As the farmer passed the gorgeous woman, he did everything he could to a tractor attention.

Reply:  Yessir - he was working on the hoe.

When you purchase stuff south of the border, you don't Peso much.

Reply:  That hardly makes any cents.

The Jacksonville Zoo has opened a dog section which they are calling the Shih Tzu.

Motel operators never die, they just check out.

Reply: That's really suite.

I saw on TV that they have invented a new broom. It is sweeping the nation.

Reply:  I'll bet the company that made them is really cleaning up.

The Daytona Beach stripper was getting tired of the same old thong and dance.

Reply:  But you have to admit, she was very titillating.

You don't gain wait by the minutes at the dinner table - but the seconds.

Reply:  I have seconds with every meal - - - damned Acid Reflux.

I thought I packed a memory card for my camera, but I forgot it.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Most businessmen are fat because of all the inflation.

Reply:  That's a gross generality.

I am trying to lose weight, so I went to the Home Depot paint department.  I heard I could get thinner there.

Reply:  Yeah, I tried that but the clerk just brushed me off.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?  It's very time consuming.

Reply:  Especially if you go back for seconds.

The freezing winter was difficult on our trees, but now that it is getting warmer, they were re-leafed.

Reply:  Yeah, I bet when that strange weather hit, they were really stumped.

Satan makes all the tormented souls listen to elevator music. The Hells Are Alive With the Sounds of Muzak.

Reply:  Hell - No Silence My Old Friend . . .

When a pig is injured, does the Vet apply an Oinkment?

Reply:  I guess so. How was he injured? Did he fall off while riding a Hawg?

The Instructor at the local Baskin Robins ice cream store, is a sundae school teacher.

Reply:  I met him. His name is Bennie Diction.

What do you call a musician who steals sheet music?  A clef-to maniac.

Reply:  I guess that would be a score for hymn.

My wife, Gloria, made a wreath out of Franklin Fir branches.  I really like a wreath of Franklin.

Reply:  I like them too because they're Al Green.

When the doctor asked the editor how he was doing, he said he had a problem with his circulation.

Reply:  His blood was probably the wrong type.

Atlanta drivers who speed in the snow often find themselves adrift.

Reply:  And if they're not careful, they may end up going where snowman has gone before.

My wife found a very sick Blue Jay in our yard. I think it was caused by our fowl weather.

Reply:  I thought I saw a sick one in our yard too but when I walked up to it the avian flew.

Do priests communicate by using knee mail?

Reply:  Apparently some use sexting.

A man at the watchmakers convention made a motion, but it died for lack of a second.

Reply:  I guess they didn't get to see a show of hands but I will put that in the minutes anyway.

A lawyer likes to have a brief case.

Reply:  Especially when he's playing in attorney.

'Because' is a word to the whys.

A Hastings farmer wanted more hens but didn't have the money, so he put them on layaway.

Reply:  He must have really been poor since hens only cost a poultry sum.

My podiatrist has developed such a callus attitude.

Reply:  If he's such a heel, maybe you should hit him with some spur of the moment, corny jokes.

Do soldiers up North wear flake jackets for protection?

Reply:  Hail if I know.

You can tell when winter hits hard: look at all the black eyes on the roadway.

Reply:  I know - it makes me skiddish.

Winter storms and Spelling Bees both have I-spell-its!

My wife had to change chiropractors and it was quite an adjustment.

Reply:  I bet it really was a new twist for you.

Yesterday I was on the computer, and I couldn't find the Esc and I lost Ctrl.

Reply:  Were you able to function? That is the key question.

When the spammer's computer exploded, it blew him to

Reply:  Recovering the pieces of him required a lot of network.

While watching a movie last night, the roulette dealer had a unique personality, because he had a different spin on everything.

Reply:  And I thought he just had a chip on his shoulder.

Puns about winter are snow joke.

Reply:  Icy what you mean.

ABC has announced a new SILENT TV Drama series named Criminal Mimes.

Reply:  It's a sequel to Law & Order, Mime Scene Unit.

Since a baby human calls his mother Mama...shouldn't a baby computer call his father Data?

Reply:  Groan - that one really bytes.

The best floor exercise gymnasts come from Palm Springs.

Reply:  I agree on that, and our best runners come from Rapid City.

A friend of mine is always leaving himself voicemail messages, because he is very self-sendered.

Reply:  I know your friend Björne and he does that because he likes to give his ego a Swedish Message.

On this date in history, 1904, Men's briefs were first manufactured in the West Undies.

Reply:  I believe the manufacturer's CEO was "Crocodile Undie."

He thinks octopi are creepy, and he makes no bones about it.

Reply:  And I have an inkling that he's a sucker for an octopus pun.

How about this rollercoaster weather. Coming up with a weather pun is a breeze.

Reply:  Are you cirrus? Puns like that might leave an unstable atmosphere.

Yesterday, I held the door open for a clown.  I thought it was a nice jester.

Reply:  I hope he didn't turn out to be a real Bozo!

Some doting parents are son worshipers.

Reply:  And it's worth it if the son shines!

I went to pub for a drink when it was freezing cold outside, and found really frigid girls drinking there.

Reply:  Sounds titillating to me.

I was going to write a pun about this cold weather, but this topic could be on thin ice. Snow more puns! Even if they are really cool!

Reply:  Oh my God - that sends a chill up my spine.

When I lived up North, I called Winter, The Days of Shoveltry.

Reply:  Who snows - it might just catch on.

I was scrambling for another egg joke, but I can't seem to whip one up. Guess I'm a bit fried on Friday.

Reply:  Don't worry about the yolk, you'll get ova it.

News Bulletin - Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Reply:  That puts a new wrinkle in bedroom linens.

Today in Colorado, it is legal to purchase Recreational Marijuana.  Now that is what I call starting the New Year on a High Note!

Reply:  Not a very sobering thought. I guess that now their State song is "Rocky Mountain High".

I have decided that I prefer Gillette razors, because the others aren't worth a Schick.

Reply:  I decided that some time ago but it is good to see that you are right on Trac 2.

If a satellite went into orbit on January 1st, it would be a new year's revolution.

Reply:   I don't know - the way things are going in this country, you might read about it in the orbituaries.

If a car crossed the river with the boat, would it be considered a ford escort?

Reply:   Could be - or a Honda Pilot.

The shock jock would interrupt his guests so often - they should call him Howard's Turn.

Reply:   I agree - I can't figure out what makes that jock itch to interrupt.

If you cross a Yule Log with a duck, do you get a Fire Quacker?

Reply:   Not if your timber is limber.

All that chimney soot won't make Santa sick, because he has had his flue shot.

When a reindeer tells a joke, it always begins with: "This will sleigh you".

Reply:   That's because it's usually a tall tail.

After watching Duck Dynasty, I wonder if a duck wakes up at the Quack of dawn?

Reply:  It takes a clearly clenched clean clever cleaver with savvy to seriously safely sever several sensuously savory sizeable segmented slabs of bread.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Reply:  Sounds pretty flakey yet somehow flakey pretty to me.

I just designed a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously, that I'll call a four-loaf cleaver.

Reply:  It takes a clever cleaver to sever several. It will allow more time for loafing.

Are people who are afraid of Santa Claus classified Claustrophobic?

Reply:  I don't know, but with such a high demand for gifts, they may be Buy Polar.

I think a good sign for a pet store would be: 'Buy One Dog, Get One Flea'.

Reply:  Or for large animals - Buy one Cow, get on calf off.

I just heard a joke about the bomb, but It had no impact.

Reply:  I guess the punch line fizzled out.

Santa Claus rides around the North Pole on a Holly Davidson.

Reply:  But he keeps it in the garage if it looks like rain dear.

Here it is, Christmas Season….and I have a sore throat. It might be Tinselitus.

Reply:  That or you hung your balls too high.

Some doting parents are son worshipers.

Reply:   That's because bringing a son into the world is labor of love.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.  It was quite an oar deal.

Reply:   Yes - I heard there was a row of them on sale.

Is an oceanographer's favorite pastime Saline?

Reply:   Only if he is an old salt.

We found out at a Veterans meeting that a gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Reply:   Wasn't the guy who said that the Navy Captain who didn't like crew cuts?

Which President was least guilty?  Lincoln.  He is in a cent.

Reply:   Well we know it wasn't Washington - - he was drawn and quartered.

While practicing the drums yesterday, a friend fell off the stool, hit his head, and got a percussion.

Reply:   I'll bet he went bongos after that fall.

The seaside Chinese Buffet with free Wi-Fi was named The Baudwok.

Reply:   Since the Chinese cooks are internationals, do they have to wear an inter-net?

I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.

Reply:   Curious - were you preparing to try out for the "Old-Limp-Dick" Games?

If a turkey could dance on Thanksgiving, would it do the turkey trot?

Reply:   Perhaps - but if the turkey is already stuffed, it might be doing the hokey-pokey.

Politicians want to talk turkey but they always speak gobbledygook.

Reply:   But wattle they do when it's time to get serious.

I am going to let a turkey join the Rock-N-Roll band because he has the drumsticks.

Reply:   Maybe he could play with Paul McCartney & Wings

The St. Augustine Police arrested a turkey this weekend for using fowl language.

Reply:   I read about that in the Record. I figured those reporters would gobble that story up.

A new dry-cleaning business next door to a convent.  The owner knocked on they're door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

Reply:   After hearing his pun, she was probably nun too happy.

Car salesmen compete trying to sell for the lease amount.

Reply:   The winning salesman this quarter was Otto. The sales tempo really kept Otto mobile.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

Reply:   That fact weighs heavy on my mind, every time I go to Wal-Mart.

A good pun is its own reword.

Reply:   That's true but a pun is short term.

No matter what font my lawyer selects on his word processor, everything comes out in fine print.

Reply:   That's because when he send out his dockets, he has to use Courier.

Making a beer commercial sounds simply intoxicating.

Reply:   Reely?

There were two ships.  One had red paint, one had blue paint.  They collided.  At last report, the survivors were marooned.

Reply:   I'll bet they were Oilers.

Give me a home where electric buffalo roam, and I'll show you an "ohm" on the range.

Reply:   Say Watt?

Smells in the Army are according to rank.

Reply:   When it comes to searching out the enemy in combat, Colonel Fetor always said, "A stench in time is a sign."

The Old Soldier was going to carry two flags in the VFW Veterans Day ceremony, but decided that would be a double standard.

Reply:   I guess he got the shaft then didn't he? Now he'll have to do pennants!

Wind power is very popular because it has a lot of fans.

Reply:   Yes, and according to their biggest fan Gale, they view a calm day with dis-gust.

The constipated composer said he couldn't finish the last movement.

Reply:   He was able to squeeze out a nice piece now and then.

The land where movies are made is called reel estate.

Reply:   That says a Lot.

The marine biology student at the University of Florida took a math course called algae-bra.

Reply:   When he discussed the Double Cone formula with his coed lab partner, he was quick to complement the set.

Trying to choose between 2 marinas in St. Augustine was a real paradox.

Reply:   Your paradox gives berth to a suggestion - that is that perhaps you should ask one of your piers for moor information.
I'm sure they won't harbor any ill feelings.

Always trust a glue salesman.  They tend to stick to their word.

Reply:   Yesterday, I saw one at the mall put an adhere and there.

Remember, on Halloween, Demons are a Ghoul's best friend.

Reply:   I'll bet that you found that on, didn't you?

To make sure cargo trucks aren't too heavy, police operate on the principle that where there's a wheel there's a weigh.

Reply:   And the police wages are on scale too.

I can't think of any kayak brands, canoe?

Reply:   I dugout my thinking cap, put it on my scull, but couldn't dredge up any.

If I refuse to take a nap, is that resisting arrest?

Reply:   Only if you sleep in a knapsack.

During the trial, a lawyer objected to the audiologist's testimony, calling it hearsay.

Reply:   According to the scuttlebutt, the objection was just rumor.

Since I've taken the job in The Everglades, I've been swamped!

Reply:   Well you certainly had to kiss morass just to get the job.  But if you get too bogged down, you can tell you boss Marsha to fen for herself and just say bayou.

A soldier who stuffed himself with ice cream was a desserter.

Reply:   And his butt was as big as AWOL.

A TV actor named Ted is now on Danson With The Stars.

Reply:   Now that should create Astaire or two!

The pilot was a loner, but even for him, flying a drone was just too remote.

Reply:   As a loner, it was too stressful on him because he couldn't fly so low.

A man who will not share his scallopa is a shellfish individual.

Reply:   He should at least let others have some squid-pro-quo!

I don't write puns about beer because most people can barley stand them.

Reply:   I'm a ferment believer in them so please beer with me.

A drive-in restaurant opened in St. Augustine for people who wanted to curb their appetites.

Reply:   I heard they have Auto Mated waitresses.

Superconductive materials should be properly stored in an ohmless shelter.

Reply:   Otherwise, they might revolt.

A motorcycle rider with bad teeth is the leader of the plaque.

Reply:   Give him the crown.

I had a novel idea for a new book but, got in a bind, so I shelved it.

Reply:   What did your wife think about that? I'll bet it really chapter ass.

Which species of fish are the most democratic?  Those who vote in eelections.

Reply:   Is that according to the latest fishing poles?

Landscaper to his wife:  I love you mower today than yesterday, but not as mulch as tomorrow.

Reply:   What a cutting remark.

The Miami jewel thieves were hard to catch because they had a good ring leader.

Reply:   And when they get caught, they'll end up in bracelets.

A Orlando, FL man was jabbed in the back with a set of keys, then his back locked up.

Reply:   Probably twisted it.

A friend wrote a song in bed, and everyone bought the sheet music.

Reply:  I don’t even want to know what’s on the cover.

When the Florida snake charmer wanted to get dressed up, she put on an extra garter.

Reply:   I was told she could really shake her asp.

The runaway beer truck barrelled down I-95 after its driver was mugged.

Reply:   The Ale-ing driver was probably so mad he was foaming at the mouth!

A local Italian restaurant severed strange noodles, but I think they were an Impasta.

Reply:   Yeah, I think they came from New York Ziti.

Christians don’t delete messages since they prefer them saved.

Reply:   Maybe they feel that the emails can be redeemed later.

In order to become an electrician, you have to go through a battery of tests.

Reply:   I am sure there will be some resistance to that.

Just after thimbles were invented there was a shortage, so many people got stuck without one.

Reply:   Yeah, they were pricks.

Of all sports humor, football is my favorite, because I get a kick out of the punts.

Reply:   You're not fooling anyone - you just like to receive a pass from a good looking fan.

We are having fowl weather here on the Beach because it is raining Ducks.

Reply:   What a coincidence!  At the pond near the VA, it is reigning ducks.

My wife has a beautiful garden and takes care of her plants - she weeds 'em and reaps.

Reply:   And she saved money by growing them herself because she hadn't botany.

A Hall of Fame recently opened to honor outstanding female soldiers.  It was a WAC's Museum.

Reply:  And the female sailors just WAVE as they drive by.

When the city removed billboards, they told people that's how it was designed.

Reply:  If the people don't like it, they can just resign.

Lightning storms can be very striking.

Reply:  Say Watt?

When a woman returns new clothing, that's post traumatic dress syndrome.

Reply:  For counseling, she needs to see a Man of the Cloth.

A St. Augustine chef, bent over to pick up a sieve, and strained himself.

Reply:  I'm sure he is refined, a sift I should care.

A friend here on Veterans Island became an electrician because his mom always took him to the Outlet Stores.

Reply:  And when he was just a teenager, he was always saying socket to me.

The copyright law is a statute of imitations.

Reply:  I don't think it's worth the Aper it's written on.

During the Early Days of St. Augustine, FL...would a Cannonball be a party for Artillerymen?

Reply:  . . . and for the weaver, a basketball . . . and for the podiatrist, a football etc.

People who plug their computer keyboards into audio systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.

Reply:  But if they hit "Save", would they be audiofiles?

If a building's window fell on you, would it be a pane to file a glass action suit?

Reply:  You could get into a jamb when you file your window case.

When neon lights were perfected the inventor was positively glowing.

Reply:  I heard the unveiling was tubular!

When golfing, you have to be careful of strokes due to iron deficiencies.

Reply:  Dr. Mulligan gave me a remedy for that.

Obituaries of those hanged in the old west used to be posted in the noose paper.

Reply:  Yeah, and that noose paper's editor's name was W. E. Lynch.

Sparkey said an electrician’s favorite subject while in school was current events.

Reply:  His essay topics were re-volting.

Asking my plumber to come fix my sink, he said he was always at my disposal.

Reply:  Watch him closely though. I heard he's a drip.

A painter offered to do portraits of all the inmates at the county jail. He was obviously a con artist.

Reply:  They were all framed.

Burt Reynolds refused to eat on the cruise ship because he had already made plans to Dinah Shore.

He labored so hard that he worked his fingers to the bonus.

Reply:  I'll bet he was bone-tired!

Sermons and biscuits are improved by shortening.

Reply:  You're right - Leavening early is a plus.

While I am not good at writing jokes, I do have good punmanship.

The date Army soldiers wait for is March Forth.

Reply:  They do that because they know that when it's over, it will be followed by a fifth.

A lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.

Reply:  That's one of the most saucier statements you've ever made!

Remember Beach Pun friends, a pun spun with a good yarn gets fabricated!

Do you call a cheerful frog a hoptimist?

It isn't the first day of school John disliked, it was just the principal of it.

It isn't the first day of school John disliked, it was just the principal of it.

Did you hear the story about the tornado in Southern Georgia? There is a twist at the end.

I tried to be a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

Reply:  That's because there is no union scale.

I went to see my audiologist today at the V.A., and boy did I get an ear full.

Reply:   So I take it he put the hammer to ya'?

A runaway beer truck barrelled down I-95 after its driver was mugged.

Reply:    I'll bet that created quite a draft!

What kind of flooring do alligator hunters use?  Reptiles!

Reply:    And they cook in Croc Pots.

The satellite went into orbit on January 1st, causing a new year's revolution.

Reply:   I guess the lap's on us then isn't it?

A Jacksonville electrician claimed that his truck was a volts wagon.

Reply:   Did he ohm it outright or was it financed?

Yesterday I rode my bike twice, I guess that makes me a recycler.

Reply:   I'm sure you'll be able to recover from it.

The trampoline was on sale at Wal-Mart for fifty per cent off, and needless to say I jumped on the offer.

Reply:   I thought they only marked them down during their Spring Sale.

The ink drop was sad because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be.

Reply:   Tell her to stay on the ball, point me in the right direction, and I will talk to the Warden.

The crime that happened in the St. Augustine parking garage was wrong on so many levels.

Reply:   I know, it sure brought a tier to my eye!

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Reply:  Do Tell!

It's almost impossible to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

Reply:  But it is possible if they demonstrate a Kun-Duz attitude.

When the DirecTV technician got married, the reception was excellent.

Reply:  I guess his fiancé finally sat-a-light under his ass!

I went to a Catfish dinner with a friend, who is a taxidermist, and I really got stuffed.

Reply:  And the dinner only cost a few skins.

A doctor, who became a bartender, was always giving out shots!

Reply:  And I heard that on "Steak Night" at his bar, he would always serum first.

A St. George Street baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

Reply:  Now he makes them without the holes and calls them Wolfgang Pucks.

You should never take rocks for granite.

Reply:  Now that statement is a real gem.

If you drive through the Everglades of Florida, you will see swamps going bayou.

Reply:  You seem to have a slough of witicisms!

A friend's wedding was so emotional, that even the cake was in tiers.

Reply:  And I heard the wedding was held in Veil Colorado.

There was a fight in a St. Augustine candy store yesterday and two suckers got licked.

Reply:  My what a sweet story!

My wife Gloria, just read a book about tornados and she said it had a real twist at the end.

Reply:  I heard she really got carried away reading it!

A Vilano portrait artist made extra money as a census taker, because he is good at canvasing people.

Reply:   It is also good therapy for him since he recently had a stroke.

Raining chickens and ducks would be considered fowl weather.

Reply:  Fowl weather wouldn't be too bad - but if it starts raining cows, that would be udder disaster!

I am going to produce a new fishing TV show called 'Who's the Bass?'.

Reply:   I thought the name smelt kinda fishy.

A new Mortician named Rig R. Mortis has moved to the beach.

Reply:   Whatever you do, don't patronize him - - he will stiff you!

I just got wind that a Hurricane is heading toward Florida.

Reply:  I'm sure we'll breeze right through it.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

Reply:  Dry humor could be the very fabric of their comedy act.

After Gus gave his girlfriend a 3 dollar box of chocolates for her birthday he got nothing but snickers.

Reply:  If the "Florida Dude" would have sent it, she would have got white chocolate miniatures.

The guitarist passed out on stage at the Amphitheater, he must have rocked himself to sleep

Reply:  That could have resulted in a Fender bender.

My wife thinks gardening magazines are fun to leaf through.

Reply:  I employ a page to do that for me.

I heard a Pun about the Liberty Bell and it really cracked me up!

Reply:  Sounds a-pealing

A cookie factory burned down in Jacksonville, and everyone had free fire crackers.

Reply:  Sounds pretty shaky to me, as I heard their business had started to fizzle.

During my Air Flight Test, I flew through a rainbow, and past the test with flying colors.

Reply:  I heard you could get put in prism for doing that.

One person can keep a fishing line clear, but it takes two to tangle.

Reply:  Get reel Dude - a recent pole proves you can screw it up all by yourself!

Yesterday's high was 78 and the low was 45, but neither were records.

Reply:  Groovy!

After punching his computer and breaking his hand, the guy required tech knuckle support.

Reply:  The key to this situation is it sounds like he lost Ctrl. Did he have his hand reset so it will function?

A no-fly zone prohibits zippers.

Reply:  Yet it is a take-off point for nudism.

The landscaper thought gardening magazines were fun to leaf through.

Reply:  I guess they'll do in a bind.

I think a boiled egg in the morning, is hard to beat.

Reply:  But it is ova easy.

Reading books on the beach, will make you well-red.

Reply:  If you do that at Jax Beach, you may end up Beat Red.

E-flat walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

Reply:  And on that note, rather than fret the issue, he clef'd

I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one.

Reply:  Yes, they do tend to quickly disappear from the racks.

I heard the AAA meetings are pretty charged up!

Reply:  Yes they are and it makes it extremely difficult to keep things in tow.

Bird-dogs are great for music, because they're both woofers and tweeters.

Reply:  I have their new Mick Jagger album - "Gimme Sheltie"

Rental agents offer quarters for dollars.

Reply:  Well it's about dime!

If you take your cell phone to the beach, you can have call wading.

Reply:  And if it is a smart phone, you can surf the web, riding a crest of technology.

A man brought salt and pepper to the Disney World box office because he wanted a season ticket.

Reply:  Did he gingerly walk away satisfied?

A Veteran friend got stung by a bee and the next day he had hives.

Reply:  So what's the buzz all about, just because the bumbling idiot decided to comb his hair?

Card sharks like to swim around at the bottom of the deck.

Reply:  Now you're just being sharkastic.

One of my favorite jobs was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

Reply:  I wouldn't fret about it.

It's raining cats and dogs here on the Beach.  That is okay, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

Reply:  I dew not think it will.

It's no baloney, due to inclement weather in Florida, the Beach sandwich shop wrapped up early Tuesday night.

Reply:  Cheese Louise, lettuce hope they will open tomorrow. If they don't, it would be a real pita.

What do you call a person rabid with wordplay?  An energizer punny.

Reply:  I think you need to get your hare quipped.

A joke become a father, when the punch line becomes apparent.

Reply:  You must have had a procreate this one - the mother of all puns.

A termite walks into a bar and says, ”Is the bar tender here?”

Reply:  Barman says: "I knew you wood ask that."

A local wood floor refinisher was fired yesterday. He simply could not hold his lacquer.

Reply:  I'm sure that will stain his reputation!

My wife was planting flowers yesterday, so I planted part of a riding whip. I'm hoping for a nice crop

Reply:  When it's time to harvest, remember - don't cook them, because rawhide is better.

If I tinted my hair (what hair) it would be the highlight of my day.

Reply:  Sounds like a cilia idea to me - people would dye laughing.

Navy Officers tend to behave admiralbly.

Reply:  And many people Commodore them.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying and I'm ex-static!

Reply:  Yeah, you should keep an ion that.

I met a cross-eyed teacher in Jacksonville, who couldn't control his pupils.

Reply:  I did too, her name is Iris. She is myopic for Teacher of the Year

Bakers earn the majority of their income in the morning, they earn most of their dough at yeast by a leaven o'clock.

Reply:  I hope they are paid well cuz they knead their dough.

Politics only serve to make the future moron-certain.

Reply:  Now that really putz it in perspective!

I made it to the vinyl round of America’s Next Top DJ.

Reply:   I'll bet you got there through sound management.

Surfers need a waiver too.

Reply:   And they'll get one as long as they wear white caps.

The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.

Reply:   At least he didn't get a bum rap!

The weather bureau is an umbrella organization.

Reply:  Sounds pretty shady to me!

Are bottled beer in Washington called a Supreme Quart?

Reply:  They are in DC but in Washington State, they're called loggers.

My Optometrists was called to testify, because he was the only eye witness.

Reply:   Isn't your Optometrist's name Iris? During her cross examination, she may provide a bi-focal testimony.

Army doctors are involved in big military operations.

Reply:   And the Marines practice on Lance Corporals.

When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

Reply:   I'll bet that Jamb caused your eyes to Glaze.

A high-ranking military father cloned himself, which resulted in a Major Faux Pa.

Reply:   Sounds like a General screw up to me.

The bald man decided to consider a hair transplant to Rogaine his confidence in looking younger.

Reply:   The thought makes me bristle!

During his FAA test ride, a young pilot flew through a rainbow, and passed the test with flying colors.

Reply:   I knew that pilot. His name was Arch.

A man who will not share his scallops is a shellfish individual.

Reply:   Abalone - there's no use in getting crabby about it - just conch him on the head and mussel them away from him!

An artist in the Army kept drawing enemy fire.

Reply:   That's because he wasn't a real artist - He was a tracer.

Christians don’t delete messages, because they prefer them saved.

Reply:   And angels deliver their messages by sending out Flyers.

The Elkton, FL chicken farmer's favorite car is a coupe.

Reply:   It Has an instrument panel that is complete with a Digital Cluck.

Do mischievous lambs post their videos on Ewe Tube?

Reply:   Only if they have sufficient RAM.

My electricity went out and I felt powerless to do anything about it.

Reply:   Maybe, given the current situation and with such little resistance, you should revolt.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.

Reply:   Were you in morning?

I must have had the chalkboard flu, because today I feel remarkable.

Reply:   So now you're starting with a clean slate?

When I got the bill for the engine rebuild, I blew a gasket!

Reply:   After reading the bill, I'll bet you were exhausted.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

Reply:   I don't know but it might prove fatal if you vertigo to high places.

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn't concentrate.

Reply:   That may have put a squeeze on your budget but distill is not a case for court.

A painter in St. Augustine was hospitalized due to too many strokes.

Reply:   I heard the original doctor just brushed off his complaint.

Two Florida Geologists live only a stone's throw apart.

Reply:   Maybe they should form a conglomerate.

I saw some bear stew on TV and it looked grizzly.

Reply:   Then maybe you should just buy polar.

People are choosing cremation over traditional burial which shows that they are thinking out of the box.

Reply:   Perhaps, or maybe they died because they were coffin themselves to death.

A soldier never made it back to his base because he had driven his jeep into AWOL.

Reply:   So they don't get the media involved, I heard they will keep this a Private incident.

My wife and I are going to ride our bikes to Aunt Kate's tonight because we can't handle bars.

Reply:   Oh cool! We'll trike to be there too.

A warning to all Star War fans: do not eat a Wookie Steak for dinner because it is a little Chewy.

Reply:  That's because the meat is a little on the Dark Side.

I enjoy watching landslides because I've always loved the Rolling Stones.

Reply:  They are a pretty good Rock group!

Set your Miller High Life or Jack Daniels on a skateboard, they make good coasters

Reply:  And if trouble appears, you can hi-ball it out of the area.

Was the little old woman who lived in a shoe the sole owner or were there strings attached.

Reply:  I don't know, but you don't have to call her the Little Old Woman - her name is Lacey!

After a tour of a Coca-Cola factory do they give a pop quiz?

Reply:  They used to but their mascot dog, Carbon ate the master quiz, soda practice had to be discontinued.

If your your pet Alligator is injured, will you have reptile dysfunction.

Reply:  He may have A Reptile Dysfunction but you really need to Cialis medical history to determine that.

A man and woman in the supermarket wrapped in a barcode may have been an 'item'.

Reply:  I think the man was just trying to scanner.

I was looking for watch batteries but I wound up at a clock shop.

Reply:  A mistake like that stems from you wanting to spring into action without a comprehensive plan.

Contemplating a imminent root canal procedure can be deeply unnerving.

Reply:  But it could lead to a crowning moment!

Problems with Smoke Detectors are very alarming.

Reply:  Ash see. That reply is smokin'!

Why some people take beautiful pictures and then cut them into pieces is a puzzle to me.

Reply:  I agree - I told them to "F&%@#-STOP doing that".

When you are naked, spray Windex on your body and it will keep you from streaking.

Reply:  But if you do succumb to the temptation to streak, be sure to use Jet Dry so you won't be spotted.

When kissing flowers, tulips are better than one.

Reply:  Beats the hell out of baby's breath!

When the police arrested the furniture repairman, he claimed to be upholstering the law.

Reply:  He doesn't have a leg to stand on.

The apple crossed the street because he wanted to get to the other cider the road.

Reply:  The real core of this situation stems from the fact that the apple was better off hanging around where he was originally.

I wanted some new jokes, so I stopped by a St. Augustine fabric store for some new material.

Reply:  So I guess that now you'll be a star at the Cotton Club.

Florida is always talking about Manatees, like it is the only State that shows early movies.

Reply:  Yes, but they have to be viewed in a hippodrome.

A neighbor's Dalmatian ran away, but it was spotted two blocks from his house.

Reply:  I guess you could say he blotched his escape attempt.

The Grand Canyon is gorgeous.

Reply:  It will do in the trenches.

Is Zucchini a two-piece bathing suit for animals?

Reply:  Yes it is, but it is only to be worn on the bitch.

The earth cleans itself with a meteor shower.

Reply:   And it bathes itself in sunshine.

The young boy wanted a scooter but when he was told no, they are too dangerous, he moped around the house.

Reply:  In time the boy will learn that many things in life are too dangerous - such as trying to serve a cow a sake.

A Vilano Beach man disconnected his doorbell because he wanted to win the Nobel Prize.

Reply:  If he doesn't win the prize, he can always take his case to the Court of a Peals.

At breakfast, the computer hacker downloaded cornflakes via his cereal port.

Reply:  I bet that ate up a Special K of RAM

A Florida mechanic had this sign on the wall of his garage: "If you don’t get 25 miles per gallon, you auto have your hood checked."

Reply:  C'mon - Give me a brake.

The recent freeze in the Hastings area might cause a potato famine, aka Starch Trek.

Reply:  Well I guess I'll have to Chekov potatoes on my shopping list!

On Nat Geo Channel, a family of bears posing for their family portrait, experienced a true Kodiak moment.

Reply:  I'll bet they were Brownie bears.

On March 1, 1890, mustard was invented in a New York Apartment. It was the first condimentium.

Reply:  Well if mustard was the first, then I guess the rest had to catch up.

If your HVAC contractor is any good, you might say he has his ducts in a row.

Reply:  He might just be an airhead.

When I learned what the gun lobby was doing, I went ballistic!

Reply:  Well, don't go off half-cocked. Relax. Read a magazine. Take stock of the situation. Set your sights. Get your facts together and then put them in bullet format so you will have the right ammunition to take aim and fight the lobbyists. Who knows, it may turn out to be a barrel of fun if you use the right twist.

An apartment building that does not allow residents under the age of 18 is completely youthless.

Reply:  I think your assessment is correct, albeit premature.

I once knew a guy who had fish and chips every day for a year. His stomach took a battering.

Reply:  That would drive me in seine.

A man who will not share his scallops is a shellfish individual.

Reply:  Maybe he is just in a crabby mood!  You could try to mussel them away from him!

Two Vilano Beach coin collectors got together at Haley's Pub for old dimes sake.

Reply:  I heard they were drinking Crème-de-Mint.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Reply:  I hope your addictive experience won't deter-a-gent from daily hygiene!

He made a slow start in the sport of weightlifting but he picked it up eventually

Reply:  He didn't know squat.

The Indians got America first because they had reservations

Reply:  Sounds to me like they were on the right tract!

The key to the success of all musicians of note is their ability to stay composed while performing at a level that can't be beat.

Reply:  That does create a harmonious atmosphere!

I was going to write a pun about laundry, but I was pressed for time.

Reply:   I'm sure you'll iron out a solution.

I told my wife I thought the electrician had said he'd be at the house by noon, unless I got my wires crossed.

Reply:   You should have checked his current schedule - today is his short day.

The dermatologist and his wife enjoyed the beach, while their children played a game of skin tag.

Reply:   Oh, is that what they were doing? I thought they were playing "Kick the Can" sir.

Did you see the movie about the hot dog?  It was an Oscar Wiener.

Reply:   I heard that at the Box Office, it was a howling success!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Vilano Beach man that walked into a bra?

Reply:   I heard he was carrying a sign that read - "Dyslexics Untie"

It's difficult to know where to draw feline, when it comes to cat puns.

Reply:   Well don't copy someone else's or they will call you a cheetah.

I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

Reply:   Gives me a jolt just thinking about her!

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Reply:   I heard the Queen also holds a steak in Salisbury.

I think we are ragging about those monthly periods too much.

Reply:   You're right - Besides, it runs in cycles anyway.

Hospital Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.

Reply:   It is too bad they had to be drug into their profession.

Last night our dog Gidget tried to catch some fog, but mist.

Reply:   I also heard that while doing that she bit her tongue and now she barks with a wisp.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could.... jog your memory.

Reply:  Are you kidding me? At our Age! Probably slip a Disk!

When fish are in schools they usually take debate.

Reply:  You do know that is a fluke don't you?

I crossed a cell phone with a skunk, and now the service stinks.

Reply:  You could have just odored one online.

In Afghanistan, they refer to the prayer rock as the Kabul Stone.

Reply:  But being allowed to pray at the stonehenges on your faith.

When it's cold outside, I like to go get some really big sandwiches…It must be the subs-hero temperatures.

Reply:  Lettuce hope you use healthy ingredients!

Losing your head in an emergency is a no brainer.

Reply:  I'm sure that using this as a crowning example of emotional dysfunction was a snap.

He, who survives embalming, truly has esprit de corpse.

Reply:  Dude - Are you okay? Your pun sounds a little stiff today.

I made a batch of fish eye soup, it should see me through the week

Reply:  Would it help you out if I slipped you a fin?

While I was repulsed by CPR I didn't have the heart to tell the medic.

Reply:  You are cold to the corps man.

One of the joys of being a lightweight is that commuting by wind is a breeze!

Reply:  Gale said the same thing!

The drug dealer added sugar to his marijuana to sweeten the pot.

Reply:  To a dieter, that is not a Splenda idea!

Since taking a plumbing course, I have developed a multi-fauceted personality disorder.

Reply:  Yeah, Yeah - Call it whatever fancy name you want, but just ask anyone and they will tell you that you're nothing but a drip!

He won the twister contest hands-down.

Reply:  Oh Sure! The spineless wimp always wins!

The church choir robes were too long and needed to be hymned.

Reply:   I noticed that they were too long when they wore them on "American Idyll".

I was going to buy some loose tea at Publix, but the price was too steep.

Reply:   Without immersing myself in the subject, I'm inclined to agree.

There was a shootout in The Gap and there here were many casual-tees.

Reply:   One of which was a woman shot in the buttocks - it disaster.

I enjoy seeing landslides, because I've always liked the Rolling Stones.

Reply:   You should go see them in concert - I think they are playing in Boulder, CO. Maybe you could avalanche with them.

When the father buffalo left his child, all he said was bison.

Reply:   Where was he headed when he left - Roam?

When you step on a grape, does it let out a little wine?

Reply:   Probably so, which is why you should keep your grapes locked up in a Cabernet.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

Reply:   Their jokes can be a brut. It usually takes a sec for me to get them.

My friend Joe is a fire-fighter and his stories about it, really ignite my interest.

Reply:   I heard he gets pretty heated when he spins his tales.

Fishing yesterday - the fish were shy - obviously koi.

Reply:   So that is why they floundered when they were in school!

Happy 2013!  If you go out partying tonight....Keep your ayes and years open!

Reply:   Because if you don't, you may ale in the morning.

Puns about radio frequencies should be band.

Reply:   Let's just wave goodbye to them!

I went to a seafood disco last week and I think I pulled a mussel.

Reply:   I think you're full of abalone!

Do you call the garden police, Lawn and Order?

Reply:   Either that or Sodland Yard!

A Veterans Island, Florida guy played golf on Christmas and hit a partridge on a par three?

Reply:  Playing in the same foursome, the Florida Dude was barely able to come to grips with his own tee shot which splashed next to seven swans a swimming!

I just found out that the reindeer sing a song on Santa’s birthday…Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

Reply:  And they don't sing it in English - they sing it in North Polish.

Santa is a good race car driver because he’s always in the pole position.

Reply:  He does always seem to sleigh the rest of the drivers.

Stealing Santa’s bag of toys on Christmas Eve would be absolute sackrilege!

Reply:  Maybe the thief wanted to wrap his baby in swindling clothes.

Eating the Christmas decorations will give you Tinselitis.

Reply:  But if you eat the whole tree, you'll be all spruced up.

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, would he be a subordinate claus?

Reply:  Until he/she is 18 years old, the child would be a dependent claus.

If you deep-fry Santa Claus, do you end up with a Crisp Cringle?

Reply:  Yes, and I hear it's a great for the Hollandaise.

The proof-reader at the St. Augustine Record newspaper is Miss Pelling.

Reply:  They hired her when they were going through a restructuring phrase.

I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I didn't have the gift.

Reply:  No matter wassailing you, we're sure yule figure out a way to get 'em wrapped!

I have started taking gymnastics because I like hanging around the bars.

Reply:  We heard that last night, you were so high on the Beam that after your dismount you went straight into your Floor Exercise starting with a Layout.

A box of food you buy for breakfast will have a cereal number on it.

Reply:  But if you eat the food, won't that make you a cereal killer?

I told my V.A. doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!" The doctor replied, "Sorry, I don't follow you."

Reply:  The treatment of this vowel affliction is alimentary, since such an addiction could cause your Readers Digest-ive system to become blogged up.

I went to the North Pole and it was very see Nick.

Reply:  How was the weather there? I heard they have a lot of reindeer.

It took the NFL replay analyst a long time to cut his grass because he did it in slo-mow.

Reply:  Since he took so long and was being paid, I think we should at least get a quarterback.

Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed to see sickness.

Reply:  That is why they are able to give us strait and sound advice on preparing for ocean travel.
They have a gulf of experience. Bayou now, Glen

My knowledge of Marine Biology is below sea-level

Reply:  Water you talking about? I've been herring that you were deep into the subject. Maybe you should mullet over with your guidance counselor.

My friend just got the part of Scrooge in a local performance.  I'd love to go see him, but that play scares the Dickens out of me.

Reply:  At least the musical score is great - it even has a tiny timpani solo in it.

My comb is invaluable - I can't part with it.

Reply:  I guess you'd better lock it up!

I'm trying to find a rope tying class, should I look for a knot for profit organization?

Reply:  I think you should talk to Lariat Flagler College.

A lawyer for a local church did some cross-examining.

Reply:  I'm sure that would appeal to the atheists, although I have no confirmation of such action.

A streaker was found dead this morning on a Florida beach. Police say the details are quite revealing.

Reply:  The Saint Johns County Coroner said that the cause of death was exposure.

There was a report of shots fired in a local bar. The police don't know what triggered the commotion.

Reply:  It was only a matter of time as the patrons of that bar are always half-cocked.

Just in time for Thanksgiving weekend, a blockbuster movie about sweet potatoes, 'The Silence of the Yams'.

Reply:  Anthony Hopkins gobbles his victims & Jodie Foster is on a roll in this thriller.

The band leader saved the drumsticks from thirty- eight turkeys, because he wanted seventy-six tom bones.

Reply:  Now that his band is complete, can they play the turkey trot?

The turkey told the Pilgrim, "You're a no-good baster."

Reply:  Oh my! Such fowl language!

Two florists got married recently, but it was an arranged marriage.

Reply:  I guess their relationship was slow to blossom.

Partying Saturday and Sunday leaves me feeling weakened.

Reply:  That's because you were partying with ABATE.

Dead owls don't give a hoot.

Reply:  But they can still flip them the bird.

A dry cleaner was indicted with charges pressed for money laundering. A deal is being ironed out.

Reply:  I guess that put a whole new wrinkle in his business.

Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.

Reply:  And claustrophobic passengers suffer from Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

Jack almost got his haircut, then he thought he'd mullet over first.

Reply:  Good one - we really got some bangs out of this pun!

When fisherman Bill takes a container with him, he wants to fillet.

Reply:  Sounds fishy to me - why would you make such a cutting remark?

Have you noticed that bridge tolls have increased significantly over a 5 year span.

Reply:  Don't get your back in an arch. They are simply trying to cover the gap in rising costs.

I probably have blind spots, but I don't see them.

Reply:  I'll bet that makes you visibly upset!

A talkative politician was the world's first passenger side air-bag.

Reply:  And also the latest entry in the "Hot Air Balloon Race"

If you play golf on election day -- cast an absent-tee ballot.

Reply:  As a fairway of putting it, this approach would make an excellent voter drive!

When the head of the consulting team suggested that the canal around the St. Augustine Fort be filled up with cement, he was demoted.

Reply:  I'll bet it was a rock-hard decision to make.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Reply:  Might as well, after all, it's hours!

Someone put Viagra in the water jugs at the Iron Man race here on the beach and it resulted in stiff competition.

Reply:  A friend of mine named Woody competed in this and he won by a head.

My friend wants to dress like the King of Hearts for Halloween and I think I'll follow suit.

Reply:  Well, habit your way.

Someone who gets run over at a Black Friday sale is a Wal-Martyr.

Reply:  If they are stupid enough to let it happen, would it be called martyr dumb?

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

Reply:  Not quite, but it would take a miracle. Better call Aural Roberts!

Hair growth medication won't help me, but most men find the use of Rogaine a hair-raising experience.

Reply:  Yea but if you exposed the root of the problem, I'm sure they'd just dye!

A pirate wrote his wooden leg into his will as a leg-acy.

Reply:   I may be going out on a limb here but that sounds like a lame decision on his part.

A river dredging project here in Northeast Florida was to undergo an in depth audit.

Reply:   The audit is necessary to keep the project in the mainstream of funding.

What you can buy for a dollar these days is absolute noncents.

Reply:   I know what you mean. Nowadays you buy penny candy one at a dime.

I started to write an article about my wife's beautiful flower garden, but I realized it didn't have much of a plot.

Reply:   I suppose you told her to just put it to bed!

When a musician plays a scale on a newly cleaned piano, he goes from C to shining C.

Reply:   And he does it with a view of the Ivory Coast!

My Wife was frantically looking for her false nails at her law office yesterday, only to discover she had filed them away.

Reply:   Didn't I read about that in a clipping?

A man who kept stealing mopeds was obviously a cycle-path.

Reply:   So was his wife - but she was a cuter scooter looter!

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

Reply:   That's good to know information, now I have the straight poop!

A neighbor's kid was kicked out of math class for one too many infractions.

Reply:   That adds up! His actions did tend to divide the class.

The TV Weatherman is always complaining about the wind off the ocean and I find that disgusting.

Reply:   It's certainly nothing to regale about!

The most important thing to know about becoming a urologist is that you have to be able to go with the flow.

Reply:   I applied and got rejected - really pissed me off!

When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger, he said he just fell into it.

Reply:   My, what an entrenching story! I can dig it!

I know it is dogging my wife is that today is her Birthday but I am barking it to everyone.

Reply:   She should be smiling because tonight she gets the bone!

A Veteran friend of mine threw Jell-o at his wife, who then had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

Reply:   Good thing he wasn't a Navy Veteran or they would have charged him with a salt.

A Daytona policeman accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict for a costume party. That cop learned never to book a judge by his cover.

Reply:   Too funny - now I'm guilty of mans laughter!

Politics only serve to make the future moron-certain.

Reply:   Then let's at least make sure they are devoted.

I told my V.A. doctor, "Doc, help me.  I'm addicted to Twitter!"  The doctor replied, "Sorry, I don't follow you."

Reply:   Sorry, can't help you on that one. I don't know what Twitter is - does - or care to.

When asked whether or not I was bilingual, I was about to say I knew sign language, but I figured it was sort of a mute point.

Reply:   Now that was a dumb question!

Florida Power & Light, our local electric company, is always looking for high energy employees.

Reply:   They should hire Connie - as shocking as this may seem, she'll provide a real spark to their personnel!

There was a big paddle sale at the Vilano Beach boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

Reply:   I'll bet there were rows and rows of them.

Floridians who sell topsoil have definitely hit pay dirt.

Reply:   What on earth made you say that?

A pirate with one hand, often picked up the phone. He wanted to get off the hook.

Reply:   I like that one. It has a nice ring to it.

When my Veteran friend gave his wife a necklace he got a chain reaction.

Reply:   I hope that didn't leave your friend dangling!

I am able to listen to my favorite radio show in the morning because I have an AM radio

Reply:   I guess that's okay if you like the band.

A Florida music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.

Reply:   That really is a cute little note!

Coast Guard Helicopter rescue pilots have the most successful pick-up lines.

Reply:   I noticed that you used the collective term pilots.

The cook at the VFW bent over to pick up a sieve and strained himself.

Reply:   I can't believe you leaked this story!

A friend of mine knows sign language and he says it's pretty handy.

Reply:   Aha, I just fingered out what you were trying to say!

An electrician friend of mine claimed that his truck was a volts wagon.

Reply:   That shouldn't be shocking news. After all, they are the current fad.

When a neighbor discovered he had Lyme disease he was really ticked off.

Reply:   I'm sorry to hear that - he is such a deer friend!

A Vilano Beach carpenter is well-known for nailing his work.

Reply:   But he has been at it for so long that he tends to get board.

When crazy glue was invented lots of people became attached to it.

Reply:   It has become so popular, you might as well put its adhere.

Vandalism is just a stone's throw away.

Reply:   That certainly doesn't paint a pretty picture!

Photographers are often very candid people.

Reply:   That reflex a lot of what I have been saying about them all along!

You decide what kind of light bulbs to buy by a process of illumination.

Reply:   That's a brilliant idea!

The shy bat liked to keep to himself and stay under the radar

Reply:   As a matter of fact, he was so shy that at parties, he would blindly wing it with the girls.

Losing your head in an emergency is a no brainer.

Reply:   That one's so obvious I'm noggin even touch it!

A Tennessee redneck's wife delivered a baby at 5 a.m. They named him Earl Lee.

Reply:   Was his last name Byrd?

I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

Reply:   I can't blame you for that. Elevators do have their ups and downs.

It's a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed.

Reply:   That's because they stay high all day!

A local Catholic church has plans to transports their parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call it mass transit.

Reply:   I guess "Holy Rollers" was already taken.

Headlines read: Dentist of the Year receives plaque.

Reply:   He was widely renowned for his cavity searches.

An artist with the military kept drawing enemy fire.

Reply:   He failed to stay covert when he canvassed the area.

The Dude says, "It's better to love a short girl than not a tall".

Reply:   Or perhaps you just long for a short girl.

A computer store takes inventory to monitor progress including a disk-count.

Reply:   Data do it!

If you have insomnia, move to the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Reply:   I didn't know I had insomnia until it dawned on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed Florida teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

Reply:   If she'd only worn her bifocals, she would have had the four sight to see this coming!

Florida Burmese Pythons go to great lengths to kill their prey.

Reply:   Some do - Some don't - Adder way, they're dangerous!

Derringer had one shot at fame.

Reply:   That's all it took for a man of his caliber.

My friend said his job at Florida Concrete, seems to get harder and harder.

Reply:   But at least his company has a firm foundation and he has cemented his position!

I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

Reply:   Don't feel bad, I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember!

Everyone's fuming over the high cost of gas.

Reply:   I know what you mean - I've spent a lot of money on gas and have nothing to chauffeur it!

Would a Mormon working for the Postal Service be a Letter Day Saint?

Reply:   Calling them Letter Day Saints would be pushing the envelope I think.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Reply:   This is true, but the feet is worth it in the long-run !

A Vilano Beach fisherman tried Olympic boxing, but he only threw hooks.

Reply:   But he would lure them in and send them reeling!

Archers study arrow dynamics.

Reply:   Just the thought of such studies make me quiver!

The angry Olympic sprinter had to make a mad dash.

Reply:   He had the runs.

I continually asked the Olympics track coach about joining the team but he just kept giving me the run-around.

Reply:   Maybe you should relay your information to the committee and eliminate the hurdle of asking the coach.

There's a new Olympic event for men who are thin on top called the balderdash.

Reply:   I heard that the medal winners get Chrome medals!

The Olympian has been a jogger for three years running.

Reply:   I heard that in order to be a good runner, one must fast.

In London, cigarette lighters were given as prizes to tennis players who won a match.

Reply:   I'm sure they made a striking trophy - they are a pretty hot item, I've heard.

He had a difficult time bouncing back from his bungee cord accident.

Reply:   After all - he went directly from stretcher to stretcher.

A Veteran friend became a vegetarian because he couldn't make ends meat.

Reply:   If we carrot all, then lettuce encourage him so that some day he may beet this affliction!

Endorsement by an Olympic swimmer caused a company's profits to dive.

Reply:   Even with the foresight of the CEO, Ms. Claire Buoyant, only a stroke of luck could keep the company from sinking.

The inventor of the incubator was the first hatch-it man.

Reply:   And his demeanor was beyond a-poach.

Inflammatory talk is often seen as propane language.

Reply:   I gas you could say - isn't that swell?

A Cartoonist in Miami was found dead in his home but the details are sketchy.

Reply:   With sketchy details, it is difficult to draw any conclusions.

A glide-path is a soar spot.

Reply:   It doesn't have to be - as long as there is no pilot air.

The Pet Supermarket on US-1 had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

Reply:   It was certainly a pheasant way to spend the evening!

To many girls, the word 'marriage' has a nice ring to it.

Reply:   That's true - plus she gets a new name and a dress.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Reply:   I can see how this could cause a wee wee problem.  

While downtown St. Augustine, I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.

Reply:    At least you had a back-up plan, those who don't often develop parking zones disease.

The novel about a musician in treble was a real clef-hanger.

Reply:    I heard it was too hot to HANDEL

Marine biologists at Marineland never make mistakes on porpoise.

Reply:   As a matter of fact, all of the biologists' calls are recorded for training porpoises.

I am tired of all the political commercials on TV these days. Politics me off.

Reply:   I agree - the more they Babylon, the more I realize they only serve to make the future moron-certain.

Why do people eat pretzels since they are knot food?

Reply:   Puts a different twist into one's diet, doesn't it?

St. Augustine Archeologist have made no bones about digging dirt up on people.

Reply:   He dug up so much that the list is too long. Perhaps I artifacts it to you.

My wife wanted a new car but we couldn't a Ford one.

Reply:   Perhaps if you would get one for her she wouldn't have to buy it on her own Accord.

I can't recall the last time I did any running, but I've been jogging my memory.

Reply:   For the Florida Dude, that would be a trip over the weak end?

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

Reply:   Yeah, but from what I've heard, he ain't worth a dime!

At the 4th of July parade in the jungle, the band played "Tarzan Stripes Forever"!

Reply:   Although they had to Cheetah little bit with the lyrics!

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

Reply:    I'll bet not a single viewer could lodge a complaint.

It was so hot yesterday here on the island, that even the mosquitoes were dropping like flies.

Reply:    That's gnat what I heard!

Yesterday's high was 78 and the low was 45, but neither were records.

Reply:    If they were, we might be in treble!

Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed to see sickness.

Reply:    Since avast number of sailors are afflicted, I'm sure they'll find aweigh to cure it.

Old Florida pirates retire and grow corn for a buck an ear.

Reply:    Of corsair are pitfalls in this retirement plan.

A friend broke her finger yesterday, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

Reply:    Just as a pointer, I think you are taking this one to an extremity!

Partying Saturday and Sunday leaves me feeling weakened.

Reply:    I find that staggering!  My daughter had the same problem but I totter to party in moderation.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

Reply:    When I read this to the VFW Post members, aurora laughter could be heard!

Smaller Florida babies may be delivered by Stork, but the heavier ones need a Crane.

Reply:    So what you're saying is, "a stork would have a fat chance carrying the heavy ones".

My Vilano Beach neighbor just found work in a eyeglass store.  He says the job is spectacular.

Reply:    Now he can optical all his friends and tell them all about it.

I just had a BIG tree removed, and the guy was so good with a chainsaw that he was promoted to branch manager.

Reply:    I heard that his duties are limb-ited.

While helping my wife in her flowerbed, I discovered when kissing flowers, tulips are better than one.

Reply:    If you must kiss them you'll want good breath, so weed recommend you Phlox first?

What do you call a duck that meets its future self? A Pairadux.

Reply:    If you Dabble in the future Teal you find your future self, you may search forever or you may find yourself right away. Eider way can be dangerous.

A friend got fired at the US-1 coffee shop for coming to work in a T-shirt.

Reply:    I don't think they had sufficient grounds to do that!

The Hastings, FL farmer decided to get a cow, and milk the idea for all it was worth.

Reply:    I think his idea is udderly ridiculous!

The St. Augustine Police auction, was a complete bust.

Reply:    Well - DUH, even though they have a captured audience, they hold it so often that I think they should give it arrest.

A cannibal's favorite game is 'swallow the leader'.

Reply:    I've heard the game can become very consuming.

Old politicians never die, they just get devoted.

Reply:    Or they have a brief relapse.

When a skunk walked in the St. Johns County Courtroom, the judge said, 'odor in the court'.

Reply:    And even though the judge had rank, the bailiff said; musty be here?

My wife’s cousin, Dolly Parton, wears a hairpiece every day and is considered a big wig.

Reply:   But isn't hairpiece considered an STD?

I saw on Jacksonville TV that the Energizer bunny got arrested. They charged him with battery.

Reply:   Anode that was bound to hoppin'.

Watching a movie on TV, I realized that Mummies are bound to be uptight.

Reply:   Of corpse they are - I saw them on tape.

Did you hear they now have fisherman porn movie? Deep Trout - Stars Linda Gilless

Reply:   Yes, it was made in Fin-land about a hooker. I heard it was in-seine.

Women firefighters use support hose.

Reply:   Yes they do and they seamless apt to get tangled.

Two dogs at St. Johns Veterinary Clinic had a bone of contention.

Reply:   Oh man, I bet that was a bitch!

When the St. Augustine Police Officer wanted to retire from being a traffic cop, his boss gave him the green light.

Reply:   I would have just told him to lay off.

I just got my permit to harvest shrimp in the Antarctic. Now I have a license to Krill.

Reply:   When you take it a prawn yourself to cook them up, you can either steam them oyster them into a soup or gumbo.

Puns about German sausage are the wurst.

Reply:   Maybe they should have a separate link.

Dog supermarkets became incredibly noisy after the introduction of bark-odes.

Reply:   I've heard is gets so bad they raise the woof.

The inventor of the incubator was the first hatch-it man.

Reply:   I don't want to get egg on my face since I am just warming up to the concept, but it seems to me that when the incubator was in its embryonic stage, most people thought the inventor was a bit cracked. I know that this was corny but it was just a yolk.

When the drill bit was invented, it was a real turning point.

Reply:   I'd auger that point with you but it would be too boring.

A fish became a waiter here on Vilano Beach, and he liked people to tip the scales.

Reply:   I'll bet as a waiter, he was sommelier than most.

A St. Augustine lawyer held a huge briefcase in his hand during the entire trial, but finally he rested his case.

Reply:   He brought it for his client's defense, it was valise he could do.

A drummer can cymbalize the enthusiasm of a band.

Reply:   If he decides to stick around, he could really drum up some business.

If you need something done, call an electrician - they conduit.

Reply:   Yes, and watt they do is usually without resistance because they do it on their ohm.

Pilots never stall for time.

Reply:   They just wing it.

One person can keep a fishing line clear, but it takes two to tangle.

Reply:   That may be true but can they tackle the Virginia Reel?

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?  A thousand soles got burned.  Some heel did it while he was laced.

Reply:   Alas, it could be my fault - eyelet him borrow my cigarette lighter.

Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.

Reply:   OMG - That certainly is shocking news!

To get a wig, us bald men have toupee a lot of money.

Reply:   Well, if you don't have the cash up front, I heard you can get an extension.

Several St. Augustine photographers started a focus group.

Reply:   My friend Bob joined up and now he reflex the goals of this group and lens a whole new perspective to its focus!

My wife swallowed a typewriter. Now she's suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.

Reply:   I certainly hope she doesn't become inconsonant!

What is a lumberjack's favorite month? Septimber!

Reply:   Hew have got to be kidding - why wood yew think I wood fall for that.

My friend says his job at the concrete plant on US-1 North seems to get harder and harder.

Reply:   As far asphalts are concerned, the plant he works for isn't too bad for the employees, but the management gypsum every chance they get.

Cottage cheese diet: eating your curds and weigh.

Reply:   Ghee what a diet!

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

Reply:   Yes, but before they take debate, they usually take time to mullet over.

A fisherman here on Vilano Beach tried boxing, but he only threw hooks.

Reply:   But as a boxer, he was a weever and he had a lot of sole and mussel too, that's for sure; and when he did hit them, he sure could make them reel.

I like elevators - they let me tell jokes on every level.

Reply:   That's okay as long as the jokes don't escalator get on people's nerves.

I'm inclined to be laid back.

Reply:   If I recall correctly, there is a retreat you can attend and when you go to decamp you may find dissolution to all your retirement questions.

I saw on TV that another actor is in trouble. His brief Hollywood career came to an end, when he was arrested for armed robbery. He proved to be a shooting star.

Reply:   That could prove to be a television serial killer!

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

Reply:   On the contrary, I'm anti-against them.

I think that Florida boaters should stop playing with their Dinghies?

Reply:   Yeah, we wouldn't want their dinghy to become tender.

The Florida pirate captain's policy of forcing the worst members of his crew to walk the plank went swimmingly.

Reply:   That's great news; I was afraid they might get board.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Reply:   Not to dwell on the subject, but it must have been aboding experience.

The waiter at Barnacle Bill’s was shocked when I asked for my salad to be served naked. I explained, no dressing please.

Reply:   He probably couldn't comply because it was against the slaw.

I'm drawn to art.

Reply:   No matter how much you are drawn, try to compose yourself when you get the etch.

My lawyer says a will is a relative thing.

Reply:   I kin see why he would think that.

The guy was on his death bed and couldn't stop coffin.

Reply:   Maybe God was trying to in crypt a message to him that he might be in grave danger.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He's all right now.

Reply:   Hew would have thought such a recovery was possible? We wish him lops of luck!

A thief who stole a calendar on St. George Street got twelve months.

Reply:   I'm pleased to hear that Saint George has his convictions!

A sleep walking nun is a roaming Catholic.

Reply:   Now that is totally unorthodox!

What do you call a arrogant fugitive falling from a building? Condescending.

Reply:   Yes, but only for a fleeting moment.

Due to the economy, the price of duck feathers has increased, so now even down is up.

Reply:   The same is true with goose feathers so I won't buy eider one.

A friend of mine has a high fidelity cell phone - it can only call his wife's number.

Reply:   Isn't she the only one he's spouse to call anyway?

My neighbor’s dog here on Vilano Beach is mustard-colored. Does that make him a Gulden Retriever?

Reply:   I'm not sure, but here's some Pointers. If she's a wiener dog, I bet
we could Setter in a bun, throw in a Pinscher relish and Whippet into one Bichon hot dog!
Pretty Shar-Pei?

When I'm feeling tired after a long day on the beach, I just use my iPhone to download a nap.

Reply:   At least you don't have a long drive home from the beach which could shore leave you exhausted.

A cosmetic surgeon knows how to raise a few eyebrows.

Reply:   They have been known to make some women swell with pride which often raises a new wrinkle amongst their peers while at the same time giving the men a lift.

They served lunch at my auto repair shop on Old Dixie Highway, but I didn't eat it.  It was full of carbs.

Reply:   You should have tried it. I heard the ham salad was chopped and then channeled to all employees free of charge.

At the Jacksonville Zoo animal-petting-area, I saw a sheep scratching itself. Turns out it had fleece.

Reply:   Ewe out did yourself with this one - it is shear genius!

I keep failing to get a job at Publix as a butcher, because I just can't make the cut.

Reply:   Maybe it's time to loin a new job.

The Pet Supermarket on US-1 had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

Reply:   If you enter your bird "Little Dude" in the contest, don't get cagey and try any cheep tricks or they may cry fowl!

The trailer for the Veteran movie was produced without a hitch!

Reply:   If they enlisted help from Hollywood, was it on commission?
I guess that question wasn't warranted.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

Reply:   It was love at first sight when they first met at the Malt shop. Her wit was so rye that he could barley speak.

People who teach drivers' education are roads scholars.

Reply:   I heard they go to school at Two Lane

Yesterday on A1A, I saw a ditch digger who was entrenched in his career.

Reply:   I know the man - his name is Dug.

When I went to Publix on Vilano to buy lots of milk and ice cream, I got a fair shake.

Reply:   I'll bet when you got to the produce section, the cost of bananas made you split.

Whoever invented the girdle got a bum wrap.

Reply:   Tush say the least!

The plums for sale dried out, so the profits were pruned.

Reply:   That sure puts a new wrinkle in the sales strategy!

When the Presidential Candidates campaign in rural areas, do they take a straw poll?

 When they campaign in forested areas do they give stump speeches?

Reply:   I can't answer those questions but in the urban areas, they can't seem to curb their gutter-trash mud-slinging.

The chicken knew the first leg of his trip would take him to Key West. From there he would wing it.

Reply:  Let the chicken know that he could take a boat for a poultry sum of money.

He knew he was going to get caught making graffiti. The handwriting was on the wall.

Reply:  I guess he painted himself into a corner with this one.

The police boat was filling with water and those on board had to be bailed out.

Reply:   I bet they could really use arrest.

Some people don't have the Vegas idea of how to quit gambling.

Reply:   Reno they will quit when they run out of money!

What do you call a doctor who treats soldiers no longer in the Military? A veteran-arian.

Reply:   I heard that when ex-Coast Guard patients show up, they have to sit in the wading room.

Swimming can be easy or hard. It deep-ends.

Reply:   Easy or hard, the breast stroke gives me butterflies.

One minute I'm sure I want to buy a new motorbike, the next minute I'm sure I don't want to.  It's a vicious cycle.

Reply:   I know what you mean - sometimes I can Harley wait to get a new one - but even if I Can-Am I going to actually do it?

The anesthesiologist's computer has an ethernet connection.

Reply:   That may be true but I hear his system stays in the sleep mode.

A carpenter must have been here.  I saw dust.

Reply:   A cutting remark like that is just plane mean!

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Reply:   But I shell always prefer mine ova easy.

What keeps a dock floating above water?  Pier pressure.

Reply:   Wharf the pressure drops?

My wife’s business plan for a flower shop was cut and dried.

Reply:  It might just bloom onto something big if the economy doesn't wilt any further.

I really enjoy my house on Vilano Beach….after all…a man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Reply:  You're correct - but then I dwell on the subject.

Qwertyus, God of Keyboards, is a character from Geek Mythology.

Reply:  We're Hera that Qwertyus was Gaea.

Eggs make lousy comedians.  They always crackup at their own yokes.

Reply:  Maybe so, but they have ova 10 thousand of their yokes in their latest albumin.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Reply:  So go ahead and push or should I say - letter rip!

I read that Ford Motor Company has released its most powerful motor yet.  It is the torque of the town.

Reply:  I'll bet that makes the other companies feel piston. (I know - - that was tach-less)

Did you hear about the high-ranking military father who cloned himself?  The result was a Major Faux Pa.

Reply:  Although you've identified the colonel of the problem here, I think the project in general was pretty rank and perhaps should have been kept private.

When purchasing soap, if you buy two and get one free - that's a bar-gain.

Reply:  This is good because the normal price would detergents from using it.

I have taken it a pun myself to find a good pun!

Reply:  If you don't start doing better than this, I'm going to sue you for Pun-ative damages.

Dental care in Panama is called a route canal.

Reply:  I've heard their care is fairly primitive and such a procedure often results in lock jaw.

It's amazing how stores take Valentine’s day to heart.

Reply:  It was sweet of you to notice since you are such a card.

I find that movies about submarines always go down well.

Reply:  That's true unless they're shown in some crummy dive.

Tree pruners will always go out on a limb for you.

Reply:  That's why I leaf the job to them.

Last night on the Discovery ID channel, the dentist's alibi was full of holes, so the police performed a cavity search.

Reply:  Yeah the cops were onto her because there was a molar something in her office. They found the loot incisor.

Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food.

Reply:  Shucks - I thought they served wings.

People who hate the marines are rotten to the corps.

Reply:  It's obvious to me that not only have these people lost their corps values but if you read their rants, you will see they have no commando the English Language.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dinghy.

Reply:  And they do tar easily.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reply:  Now's not the time to discuss such things as I gestate.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

Reply:  I've been peppered so often with advise like this that I can't ketchup!

Whenever the nurses have a bad day they just keep needling people.

Reply:  Yeah - I guess you could say therapist off bunch.

Those who sell topsoil have definitely hit pay dirt.

Reply:  Your observation is well grounded!

Watching the movie Titanic is a real downer.

Reply: That's just the tip of the iceberg - it left me with a sinking feeling.

Why don't people like to talk to garbage men? They mostly talk trash.

Reply:  I get it - - you just thought you would throw out this bit of rubbish to litter up the internet a little.

I bought a new pair of Motorcycle boots because my old ones Harley had sole anymore.

Reply:  I spoke to you about this before, so don't be such a heel!

I have discovered, taking inventory is a job that really counts.

Reply:  For the record, I hoard that sum times it's just a guess if your stockpile is too great.

Every time I put on some trousers, my wardrobe get depleated.

Reply:  Obese serious, you don't need to weight for an answer to this one.

Sometimes a pregnancy is so long it seems like a maternity.

Reply:  Your observation gives birth to the thought that such a feeling may just be an offspring of impatience.

Andre invited me to go sailing so I went shopping for a hat, but started to reconsider, when they gave me a stern look and asked for my capsize.

Reply:  You're always abeam of Sunshine so just tell them to go to hull.

After the trout left school, he hoped to be a steelhead in a floundry.

Reply:  What a tail! I'll bet you a fin he makes it! Is his name Gil?

I told my jeweler friend Jim, it's important for a clock & watch salesman, not to lose face.

Reply:  Talk about losing face! It's crystal clear to me that it's about time, if you carat all, you
should at least spell his name right - it's "Gem" not "Jim" - his friends call him "Rocky".

When I tell people I could eat my weight in my wife’s pumpkin muffins, they say I am out of my gourd.

Reply:  For your health's sake, you could squash the rolls if you would just stem your appetite.

The Dude thinks fighting global warming is cool.

Reply:  Icy it the same way!

A friend of mine was fired from his job selling amplifiers. He didn't achieve the sufficient volume of sales.

Reply:  His boss Pam said: "She could rectify the situation, multiplier profits and probably doubler volume if she could generator own parts."

Ducks don't have their palms read - they look for it on the web.

Reply:  After their reading, if they feel down, do they go see a Quack?

Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

Reply:  And if you don't, he's liable to denture face with his fist!

The Junior NCO had sore wrists. The doctor said it was corporal tunnel syndrome.

Reply:  Sounds like a dig to me.

There was a blackout one night at our Vilano Pub.  Good thing I had a light beer.

Reply:  Too bad your light beer was amber - I could barley see my glass.

Two Florida college students die in head on collision.  Police say they were on a crash course.

Reply:  I'll bet their homework is starting to pile-up!

This morning, a St. Augustine lawyer walked on his lawn and experienced the dew process.

Reply:  Your report was dewly noted.

My New Year’s Resolution is to lose weight.  I think a successful diet is actually the triumph of mind over platter.

Reply:  I wish you luck my friend. If you succeed, you could win the No Belly Prize. Just remember - A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

At a local Pub last week, they talked about making pretzels. I don't understand why people eat pretzels, since they are knot food?

Reply: I might expect that from an old salt, but from you - that's just twisted.

Some people still think that writing long stories is a novel idea.

Reply: To make a long story short, I asked my good friend Author. Writer wrong, atlas he's on the write tract. I'll just leaflet at that.

I always get lost driving on New Year’s eve. I blame the Old Lane Signs.

Reply:  I think the Old Lane Signs use too many inebriations in their spellings, but they eventually lead to arrest stop.

Chop up an old piano and you will get a chord of wood.

Reply:  Chopin up a piano will yield a chord of wood - no strings attached.

The orthopedist said that working with fractures isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

Reply:  Sure, he says that now, but what will he say to marrow?

On Vilano Beach, the best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

Reply:  With today's 4G technology, you could chat online over the gill net.

My fishing buddy Bill, was arrested for throwing bombs from his boat, but they dropped the charges.

Reply: That's dynamite news! His wife would have blew her top if he was put in jail. She's short-fused you know.

A soldier never made it back to his base because he had driven his jeep into AWOL.

Reply: If you think that's truancy, no reason to doubt his absence, then you better not derelict him to office when he gets out.

Jack is building a wooden boat.  I asked him, would making a boat out of concrete be a hardship?

Reply:  I don't Noah bout that, but granite it would be a monumental task.

Why did the admiral decide against buying a new hat?  He was afraid of cap sizing.

Reply:  I don't know why he's afraid - - it won't keel him.  Just be stern with him and tell him he mast do it.

Did you know that Smuckers is producing a movie called “The Silence of the Jams”.

Reply: Blanch pectin on it and said it looks like it could be a berry good movie with some pretty juicy scenes.

When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.

Reply: Well aisle be, now confess - did that altar the mission any?

A St. Augustine judge recited verse from the bench, because he was a poetic justice.

Reply: I'll bet the defendant still 'ode' a fine!

My wife is reading a book about anti-gravity.  It's impossible to put down.

Reply:  Talk about light reading - I'll venture to guess it's a lofty topic.

Last night I was watching DirecTV and on the Animal Planet Channel, I saw a beaver movie. It was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

Reply:  I heard it was quite a tail - one you could really sink your teeth into!

I wrote a theatrical script about puns.  Really it was just a play on words.

Reply: You know you're creating a scene when you act like this.

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?  He just couldn't resistor.

Reply:  Ohm...I say that was a good one.

While watching HGTV, I realized that remodeling a kitchen is counter intuitive.

Reply:  Might just as well just 'shelf' the project before you 'sink' your money into it.

It's a fact … taller people sleep longer in bed.

Reply: Is that the truth - a stretch - or just a tall tale?

Did you hear that there was a shootout in The Gap. There were many casual-tees.

Reply: I read the article - it was pure window dressing - not a Legg to stand on.

A Jacksonville man threatened to jump off the side of a building - alledgedly.

Reply:  The 'jump' was 'bound' to happen if the police didn't 'spring' into action.

Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.

Reply:  I'm sure there would be 'grounds' for legal action.

While watching National Geographic on TV, I noticed that bear fights can often turn grizzly.

Reply:  A cub reporter once did a documentary on it, and he had to panda camera left and right to get it all on film.

The medical term for owning too many dogs?  A roverdose.

Reply: Such a condition can hound you forever.

When fabric softener was invented it made people ex-static.

Reply:  Shocking news!

In high school, I recall having a beautiful but difficult math teacher. She was easy on the eyes and hard on the pupils!

Reply: Additionally, that pretty well sums it up!  

Just in time for Thanksgiving, a blockbuster movie about sweet potatoes, 'The Silence of the Yams'.

Reply: That one should get mashed...or go under the Latin phrase.....cogito, ergo, spud.... I think, therefore I yam.

Getting ready for Thanksgiving, I stopped by the bakery yesterday.  Did you know that Bakers earn the majority of their income in the morning.  That is right, they earn most of their dough at yeast by a leaven o'clock.

Reply:  Having sifted through the statistics, I rise to say that they certainly knead all the dough they can get - so they batter be working all day.

Can honeybee abuse lead to a sting operation?

Reply:  That's a sticky question, although it is the current buzz. I'll hive to give it some thought.

I talked to my friend Jack about building a boat, and he said that the cost of a galvanized hull is enough to zinc a ship.

Reply:  I took astern look into the matter and he's right. The price alone is enough to keel yawl.

Looking at some old videos on the Web, I think that whomever invented the girdle got a bum wrap.

Reply:  Not to stretch the truth, but I am sure he squeezed every penny out of the bottom line.

While talking to construction workers, building the new Publix on Vilano Road, I discovered that Forklift operators do not care for puns - they find them unpalletable.

Reply:  Maybe they should try to crate their own puns - it might just give them a lift.

In downtown St. Augustine, two crooks bought a hotel. They are now innmates.

Reply:  The Poet Society held their convention at that hotel.  It had its prose and cons.

If you can't find anyone to sing with you have to duet yourself.

Reply: True no matter how you spinet!

The first order of priority in hiring math majors is get them to sine on the dotted line.

Reply:  Absolutely, the hiring of a math major should be an integral part of the equation because secant pay the bills without a job.

The bad economy has hit hospitals, and some hospitals have to cut coroners.

Reply:  They wouldn't have to, if they cadaver get rid of the costly administrators. Of corpse I could be wrong, after all the cost of cutting coroners can be stiff.

Mustard gas . . . Pepper spray . . . now that is a Seasoned veteran.

Reply:  They are, after all, the salt of the earth.

A crow is a four-letter bird.

Reply:  Well . . . there's no use in raven about it.

The Hastings, FL dairy farmer, while milking his cow, strained his calf in the process.

Reply:  Now his operation is an udder failure.

A museum is a thing of the past.

Reply:  It is not safe to vault to such a conclusion. To do so only serves to exhibit you as a relic in the gallery of mankind.

I wanted to do some research on anorexia, so I went to the St. Augustine library to get the skinny.

Reply:  Ironically, I did the same thing but the information available was thin.

I took my notebook computer and went down to the beach this morning.  Unfortunately I found out too late, that the surf was loaded with phish, and ruined all of my .wav files.

Reply:  Use the net Dude - use the net!

A thief broke into the St. Augustine Beach Police Station and stole all the lavatory equipment.  A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

Reply:  The thief was apprehended this AM. The officer told the suspect, "Urine real trouble now"

A man and his wife are on vacation on a remote Caribbean island. The man is lying under a palm tree relaxing in the shade when his wife walks over.

“Honey,” she says, “let’s go snorkeling now. There are many fascinating sea creatures for us to see.”

To this he replies, “With fronds like these, who needs anemones?”

Reply:  Now I've heard some pretty slippery excuses - but as Sago, this one is really fishy. Eel never get away with it.

The Florida Dude entered The St. Augustine Record (local paper's) pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Reply:  At least you had pun doing it.

When I was young, I thought dating a tennis player would be a ball, but it was just a racquet!

Reply:  I'm glad you learned your lesson while you were young. She would probably just string you along until you were caught in her net of deception.

A pirate wrote his wooden leg into his will as a leg-acy.

Reply:  Wooden shoe know it - trying to put a value on his body parts. I hear some go for a Buccaneer.

Procter & Gamble said the river crested when their factory spilled toothpaste into it.

Reply:  I hate to drill you but how did they explain that tooth a inspector?

Old University of Florida math professors never die, they just reduce their functions.

Reply:  It's just a sine of the times.

Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.

Reply: That would really bite!

What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have? They have Tampa-proof caps.

Reply:  It ointment to keep us safer. It's just another vial move by the establishment.

His job at the Jacksonville Zoo was to find a leopard, as an on-the-spot reporter.

Reply:  He must have been a cub reporter to accept such a spotty task.

As I revived her using mouth to mouth resuscitation, in spite of my lisp, I couldn't help noticing her beautiful breaths.

Reply:  Wheeze sputter to say - - that would be a titillating experience!

I wanted to exercise last night but it just didn't work out.

Reply:  Don't try it after eating seafood - it might make your mussels sore!

If we don't conserve water we could go from one ex-stream to another.

Reply:  Water we gonna do then?

I have found here in Florida, the fastest, most efficient way to make Halloween costumes is by mask production.

Reply:  Sir:  If you're not too busy, perhaps you could stomp by our business and DEMON-strate your technique for all the boys and ghouls.  I hate to Drac you into this, but we're just starting up so it is somewhat of a skeleton facility right now - witch is okay as we've groan somewhat this week, but our production line is goblin up our resources. 

One problem area I've identified is our newt manager, Ms. Batty McBride.  She is the mummy of three kids and the other day I spider handing out free samples to her kids.  Of course I freaked.

I have an appointment at the V.A. next week to see the Podiatrist.

I wonder if Podiatrists ever use toe trucks?  I know one that charges by the foot.

Reply:  My Paw said - "they don't need toe trucks. They always hoof it to and from their pads."

To teach someone how to build a compass you have to be good at giving directions.

Reply:  When I asked my teacher how to build a compass, Rose pointed me in the right direction.

Eugene O'Neil once wrote a play about a visit from an optometrist.  

He called it, 'The Eyes Man Cometh.'

Reply:  That story lens itself to an eye opening debate. (I know - - that was cornea than ever.)

Colonels don't carry guns because packing heat could cause them to pop.

Reply:  I ear they have to stalk their enemies instead.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

Reply:  It's crystal to me that you need to improve your time-management skills.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The man who invented the boomerang was out of work for a while, but is now trying for a comeback.

The Miami dance club opened to rave reviews.

Now that the Shuttle program is gone, scientists wanting to send a rocket to Jupiter, have to really planet.

You know the economy of this country is in the toilet, when the shareholders of a compass manufacturer are concerned that the company isn't heading in the right direction.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Trophy shops here in Flori-DUH often will give customers floss with their purchase, to eliminate plaque problems.

I was at Bank of America yesterday and found that old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Reply:  You deserve CREDIT as your INTERESTS are truly an ASSET

I found out that Snow White was an amateur photographer and looked on the bright side when the photo store lost her film.

She said "Someday my prints will come."

If you think guests really enjoy your home movies, you are probably projecting.

The Florida Dude decides which beer to drink on a case by case basis.

Did you hear about the new bamboo trees at the Sydney Australia Zoo? It is pandamonium down there!

The dessert chef at Florida restaurant was very smart. He had graduated Pie Baker Kappa.

A homeless person joining in a riot can basically be heard as a vague rant.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

I have found that reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Just remember, every calendar's days are numbered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When people first heard of the ABS, it was braking news.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

You gotta be careful of corn at night. They can be early creepy with their husky voices and seedy appearance.

Why, they even cob right out and tell you to shuck it right to your face.

A horse can find it's own way to water, but a pencil has to be lead.

The Irish lass was disappointed with the engagement ring from her fiancé because it was a sham rock.

The math teacher was a good dancer….he had algorithm.

If you believe restaurants always overcook steaks, then you probably order them rarely.

The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

One who runs in front of the car gets tired. One who runs behind gets exhausted.

After he ate the duck, the alligator got a little down in the mouth.

Not being able to iron out all of his problems made the dry cleaner very depressed.

The fence builders were upset with their working conditions, so they started to picket.

Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living.

When the bottom of a cargo ship got a hole, it had one hull of a problem.

If I study to become a roofing expert in the future, will I be preparing for the here rafter?

A woman went to France on a wine-tasting vacation.

Unfortunately, while in the capital city, she drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast.

When she got home, she swore never to get plastered in Paris again.

The pirate captain was standing in his treasure pile.

He didn't have very much: his booty was only shin-deep.

I had a very nervous guitar playing friend.  He was always fretting about something.

I used to want to be a gold prospector, but it didn't pan out.

Did you hear the one about the man who dreamed he was a muffler on a car, and then that he was part of the wheel?

He woke up exhausted and tired.

My Father was a brick layer before he was sent to prison; to this day he still isn't a free mason.

My friend Max hates going up steep hills.  He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

Archaeologists in Britain found part of an ancient door. It had a stone hinge on it.

Two podiatrists at my V.A. Clinic have became arch rivals.

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

Ever since my old Navy buddy had all the digits amputated from his feet, I just can't stand to be around him.

I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.

No one ever wants to babysit the naughty atom, they always have to keep an ion it.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided in the storm?

Both crews ended up marooned.

The Florida State Policeman pulls over a car onto the side of the road and walks over to the driver.

"Do you realize you've got two snakes attached to the front of your car?" he asks.

"It's all right," replies the driver, "they're just my windshield vipers."

Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouse in Memphis?

It is for people who love meat tender.

The police caught a burglar last night after he broke into a bathroom window, stood on a set of scales and gave himself a weigh.

I once knew a guy who was a monorail enthusiast.

He seemed to have a one track mind.

The price of chess pieces was going up.  I had to buy quickly, so I decided to contact my pawn broker.

Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?  Because he wanted his diamondback.

Everyone in the family knew that they had to join the spy agency. It was a clan destine operation.

If you want to make a good Hamlet, you gotta break a few legs.

Life isn’t fair for a baby. They always get the bum wrap!

My electrician, here on the beach, worries too much, and gets caught up in current events.

The execution section of the Florida Crime Museum I went to, the way it was set up seemed to prefer the crucifixion method, but, then again, I was only allowed to see a small cross section of the exhibits.

The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

When the two ego maniacs fought, it was an I for an I.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A robber baron is a commander-in-thief.

When he proposed to his girlfriend, she found it very engaging.

John always kept an alarm clock in the back window of his car here on the Beach. He was always ahead of his time.

The golfer was teed off with his bad start, driving the ball almost beyond the green.

But he was able to putt it behind him.

The Hastings parsley farmer couldn’t pay his child support, so the courts garnished his wages.

Best Reply:  The bastards - they artichoke!

The V.A. told me to lose weight, so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

Best Reply:  By merely BRUSHING over this problem, you may be PRIMING yourself for failure.

The designer here in Florida wondered why his pirate room wasn't perfect.

The judge told him he went a little overboard.

While shopping at Winn Dixie last night, I found that with certain cashiers, things are slow to register.

Some people make big pottery items here in Florida to urn a living.

A Daytona Beach girl entered a hair styling class, but failed and didn't make the braid.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

A friend of mine grew up with poker. He was raised, called, and dealt with.

I went to get my Jeep’s transmission adjusted, but the mechanic at the transmission shop seemed a little shifty.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

A pyrotechnician should know how fireworks.

A friend of mine at the VFW tried to take a photograph without much focus until finally it clicked.

Old Florida Power & Light power plant workers never die, they just de-generate.

I tried to record an album in a reptile shop, but there was a terrible gecko.

A friend of mine got a job as a carriage driver in St. Augustine.

The first time he put the horse on the carriage, it went without a hitch.

I can Harley wait to get my new motorcycle.

Best Reply:  Oh, wheelie?

Sailing, it's a sport that just doesn't float my boat.

I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.

Contemplating my imminent root canal procedure was deeply unnerving.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

What you can buy for a dollar these days, is absolute noncents.

I came into my computer room this morning and leaned on the printer cartridge, because I wanted to tone up my abs.

Somebody was running a flea circus, but a dog came and stole the show.

The Medic tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein.

When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep. I knew I was destined for osteology. I could feel it in my bones.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

I avoid funerals because I am not a mourning person.

Best Reply:  What are you - some kind of deadbeat?

The pianist at the Piano Bar led an upright life, but it wasn't grand.

No matter how I tried to spinet, I couldn't console him!

A bacteria walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'We don't serve bacteria in this place.'

The bacteria said, 'But I work here, I'm staph.'

A Vilano Beach Truism: One person can keep a fishing line clear, but it takes two to tangle.

Here in Florida, there is a lot of Manuel labor for every Juan.

When I was young, I worked in a sweater factory. It's a very clothes-knit community.

Optometrists live long because they dilate.

I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back.

Bakers earn the majority of their income in the morning.

They earn most of their dough at yeast by a leaven o'clock.

We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.

If you are wearing a wrinkled shirt or skirt today, you won’t be surprised, that sales of irons are decreasing.

I saw a TV Channel 12 reporter at the St. Augustine Baskin-Robbins, getting the scoop.

My dog Peanut, failed her driving test. She can't parallel bark.

Substituting Saran Wrap is an Aluminum Foil.

When the air conditioning failed during the concert in Veterans Arena in Jacksonville, there was a fan protest.

Dissatisfied with the lack of thoroughness in the demolition of the old tavern . . .

He got into the bulldozer himself and razed the bar to a new level.

Zookeepers spot clean their leopards.

My wife was very touched when she received the felt coat as a gift.

The young pine sapling was scolded by his father. Apparently he'd been knotty.

Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.

A lady here in FloriDUH asked the dispatcher of a local trucking company, if they could ship an antique mirror to her sister in Toronto.

The dispatcher says, 'I don't know madam, I'd have to look into it first'.

Do hotel managers get board with their jobs?

I went out for a jog this morning and tripped over, I could have been wearing the wrong size shoes.

I haven't seen the footage yet.

Two astronauts who were dating put an end to it because they both needed their space.

Nylons give women a run for their money.

The ultimate liquid measure is the supreme quart.

Don't disturb anyone working on a puzzle or you may get some cross words.

You should never drink beyond the pint of no return.

I've been called a rare commodity. I wonder if that makes me silver or gold?

I guess I could be either ore.

Coins are mint to be.

The telemarketer asked me if I read magazines at all and I replied that I did, periodically.

Sparkey said old electricians never die, they just keep plugging away.

The St. Augustine City Orchestra ended every concert with a cello solo.

Everyone knows there's always room for cello.

I heard at the VFW meeting last night, that submarine commanders like to submerge themselves in their work.

I saw a show on DirecTV about women who are pregnant…who don’t know that they are pregnant!.

People have many misconceptions about pregnancy.

As I approached the Bridge of Lions yesterday in rush hour, my car radio played The Car Strangled Spanner.

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

I once worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

While looking at the World Book Encyclopedia on-line, I discovered that Shepherds are sheepish people who don't like staff meetings.

I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

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